December 17, 2012

A Poem

The Empty Box 

I ate all of my chocolates but
I didn't throw away the box. So,
I thought I still had some.
I planned on eating one today.
I opened the box
     and they were gone
     and I was like: oh yeah.

November 20, 2012

"I tell you, fellers, there's goin' to be an attack."

I think someone accidentally emailed me their nanowrimo. Either that or I'm about to embark on an epic government-abolishing journey with a non-human schizophrenic guide. I hope he's hot. Some guy has a handsome face brazen in...something, though since it looks like I'm going to be stuck with two guys in a box I guess their physical appearance isn't that important. Plus, there's an elephant that can leap to the sky so it sounds like a fun sexy time is in store.

Make sure you have your food storage ready. I'll do my best to keep you all safe, but I can't make any promises.




November 13, 2012

Just a peon's thought

I re-watched Anne of the Thousand Days last weekend. Watched it the first time in history class so that means it might as well be a documentary. (By that criteria, also documentaries: Dead Poet's Society, Spartacus, Shakespeare in Love, Glory, Forrest Gump, and Roots.)

There's a scene where Henry is doubting his decision to execute Anne and is reminded that, because he is the king, all impulses, thoughts, and desires he has come from God. Can you imagine actually living your life like that? To think you are the embodiment of God's desires, and have a moral duty to act on them?

I would be SO fat.

I wish God would stop wanting me to wear pantyhose.

November 7, 2012

Like a vacuum

I really suck at goals. Well, at follow-through in general. But one of my favorite things is making goals. And then organizing them. Dividing them into sub-goals and grouping them into super-goals. Prioritizing, listing, color-coding, charting out on poster board and buying lots of gold star stickers.

They will ALL BE MINE.

But that's about as far as I go. I burn out, usually at about draft 3 of the amazing poster board calendar chart. So how do you do it? Move from the thrilling high of organizing change to actually changing? I need different strategies. I have some ideas I plan on trying out, and I'll let you know how they go. I'm sorely tempted to document those ideas in full entertaining detail, but I'm restraining myself. (As best I can, anyway. Clearly, I'm still blogging about it, however vaguely.) (Hee. Clearly and vaguely in the same sentence, describing the same verb. I'M SUCH A PARADOX.) Anyway. Let's see what doing first can accomplish.

November 5, 2012

See I can follow through

A short silly post! As promised, no more five month hiatuses followed by a depressing "update" post that illustrates the current lameness of my life.

Check out these hilarious (and disgusting) Weight Watcher cards from the 1970s. I think the secret weight loss strategy was to publish pictures of THE MOST disgusting food, hopefully making the dieters lose their appetite for the rest of the day.

Here's my favorite:


The food itself is nowhere near the worst of the bunch (though, what THE HELL is that water crap in the center?), but the creepiness is turned up to 11 with the gathering of the ceramic cats and toad. WHY are they staring at the food? I picture the cook finishing the platter, turning away, then turning back to see ALL of her ceramic friends staring intently at whatever the hell it is she just cooked.

Fair warning. All future food pictures I post on this blog will be surrounded my large collection of souvenir owls, all of them staring creepily at the food I am about to eat.

Five months exactly

Hi blog. I haven't forgotten about you, I promise. I'm just super boring. I bought a new car, which isn't that boring, I guess. Though the car itself is pretty close to the definition of boring: gray, Nissan Versa. Brand new BECAUSE I'M A SUCKER. Just kidding, it was a good deal, I swear. It would have been dumb of me NOT to get the new car. The dealer said so. I drove to California and back in it, and it was great. No cruise control, but I did get well over 100 during some rural stretches of I-15. It was raining, and I was going too fast for the rain to stick to my windshield. That's the only way to drive.

I'm having trouble coming up with things to include in a five month update. Seriously, I must have done SOMETHING in the last five months. I've lived in my new apartment for almost a year and STILL have not unpacked. Though listing things I haven't done really shouldn't count as an "update." 


I bought new shoes. (Talk about bottom of the "personal update" barrel.) This is actually kind of a big deal for me. It's really hard for me to spend money on quality items. I'm much more comfortable buying a bunch of crap shoes from payless than I am buying a really nice pair of shoes that will last me forever. But I did it. Here they are:



They are Dr. Martens Felice 8-Eye Boot. I'll allow you a few moments of envy.

Bought a car and bought shoes. This is my five month update. LAME. SO LAME. I will try to update more often, to at least spread the lame out slowly. This much more potent lame is probably a bit much for you to take. OBLIGATORY SIMPSONS QUOTE: "Well if loving your kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame."

June 5, 2012

Oh hey, it's been a while

And woah the blogger post interface changed. What's up with this posting format. You can't see it, obviously, but trust me. It's way different. It's like I'm just typing to myself in a google doc, pretending I have friends. Friends with no hands that I only communicate with over chat.  I MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY TYPE OUT ALL MY SECRETS. Or, like, a work document that explains how to set up the computers for the alpha test in the lab. Here's how you do it: you turn them on and make sure they have chairs. Oh and headphones. That work. ONE PAYCHECK PLEASE.

This new dashboard says my blog has had over 8800 page views. That's a lot of disappointed people. I'm hoping most of those were spambots.

SO anyway, the reason I made a new post after three months of silence. I saw this on youtube. For 5 minutes and 35 seconds I thought I'd traveled back in time, watching Jill play this game. See, I never played the game because I suck at video games. I'm the girl in Halo running around in a circle with her crappy gun pointed up in the air saying, "Which one is me?" And then Jake shoots me. (Yes. I'm the Pierce of video games.) It's always bothered me. I grew up in the 90s, video games were really important to me. The only way I could enjoy them was to pretend to be above them. "I don't play video games. I read books." Except Mario Kart. NO ONE is above Mario Kart. I finally sat down one weekend and dedicated myself to beating Tetris. I just wanted to master ONE game. I did it. Got to level 100, and then the levels just roll over back to 1. I really wish I could put this on a resume.

But I loved just watching this game. It was one of the first we ever played, on the old original NES. I really love how Ariel kicks stuff with her fin. And flops around on land like a seal. (Don't watch the whole thing. It's really not worth it.)

June 4, 2012

Newsroom pilot

Just watched the pilot episode of The Newsroom (which is available on youtube.com, but don't get too attached unless you have HBO). I watched it after reading various critiques of the episode scattered across the internet. Aaron Sorkin and the internet love to hate each other, so it makes for some really good sleazy navel-gazing reading. The exact kind of reading Aaron Sorkin so fiercely hates. Though, if he wants us to not read the sleaze, he really needs to stop trying to make the gossipy articles so irresistible by demanding a newspaper reporter "pick up a newspaper once in a while." (After condescendingly calling her "internet girl" and teaching her how to high-five because he's "sick of girls who don’t know how to high-five." Seriously.)

The show is about a news team that is trying to bring integrity back to the news, like the days of Edward R. Murrow and Walter Kronkite. Which makes me roll my eyes the same way I do when people decry modern life and long for the "good old days" of stay-at-home moms and nuclear families. (And segregated schools and the public shunning of divorced women.) The eye-rolling was abetted a bit by the reviews I spent my lunch hour reading, which for the most part felt that the show "chokes on its own sanctimony." I found out the pilot is available online, so I could watch it for myself tonight. Or I could watch The Bachelorette. It was tough call. (Just kidding, I'll watch them both. This is the week Emily finds out Arie had a relationship with a production assistant! Drama!)

So I watched it, and I liked it. I'm sad I don't have HBO. (I did not head my own warning.) Like Sports Night, The West Wing, and the first episode of Studio 60, Sorkin is really great at showcasing smart people who do Important Jobs for Important Reasons. What's most satisfying is they are successful at it, at least in these fictional universes where clumsiness is enough of a flaw to make a character "realistic." (SHUT UP BELLA SWAN YOU ARE NOT JUST LIKE ME.)  And of course, intelligent viewers (the kind of viewers that read the newspaper and not gawker.com because no EVER reads both) are supposed to ask themselves is, how can I make my world like that world? This is really the heart of this (and any Sorkin) show. It's fictional, yes, but a fiction to which we are meant to aspire. In case anyone was unsure of The Lesson, the pilot episode is helpfully titled, "We just decided to." We just do it! Awesome! No sneaky disappearing magic train platforms required. Even Muggles can make this fictional world real! Except. It felt like the show used phrases like "great men" and "men were Men" an awful lot. It kept saying we had it right once (Back Then) and we somehow made it all worse. (Hmm. What are some things have have changed in the past 50 years that might be at fault? One moment while I refer to my Mad Men dvds and play "spot the differences.")

This show made me wonder this thing I've been wondering lately. What if things really were better back then? I mean, of course they weren't. Of course!  All the bad -isms lived there. And we have a tendency to romanticize the good parts of history. And I'm sure every generation feels like theirs is where everything is falling apart. And lots of other reasons that assure me of course things weren't better.  But, why do we keep looking back and saying we used to be great? Why do our scriptures and Declarations seem to say things were better and now they're worse? To create powerful people who can change the world (for good, usually!), does one group need to give up their power? We're supposed to be aspiring to Godhood, yet a requirement for that is a marriage with one Presider and one (or many) not-presider(s).

Back to earth. As usual, I like to take my theological extrapolation a bit too far. This is a tv show, after all. It'll be interesting to watch how The Newsroom tries to reclaim the greatness of Back Then while still embracing what's good about Right Now, and hopefully even better about The Future. Unfortunately, I know already that Aaron Sorkin shows have serious issues with women, and if the interview I linked to above is any indication, this one will too. (Maybe it's a good thing I don't have HBO.) And it's not Aaron Sorkin's job to navigate society back to greatness (though I have a feeling he'd beg to differ). And it's certainly not his job to reconcile Mormon theology with all of that. It's my job, and your job. So I liked the show, for reminding me of that.

May 31, 2012

So it turns out everyone is equally stupid

There are things that have been bugging me that part of me feels like are not really worth complaining about, but this is my blog and I can complain about all the stupid things in all the run-on sentences I want to. AND end them them with all the prepositions within throughout above.

I am getting really sick of the websites that I like reading writing about Mormons. (Yeah, I know. That's a crap sentence. I don't care.) Maybe it's because I grew up in a very conservative environment, but I kind of expect liberals to be the voice of reason. But it turns out everyone is equally stupid.

Here's an except from an article on Salon:
When Mitt Romney received his patriarchal blessing as a Michigan teenager, he was told that the Lord expected great things from him. All young Mormon men — the “worthy males” of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as it is officially known — receive such a blessing as they embark on their requisite journeys as religious missionaries.
It's a small thing, but there a subtle sinister suggestion to it. (Do you like that? All the "s" sounds? Sounds like a snake right? I'm so awesome and poetic.) This quote strongly implies that only Mormon men about to go on a mission get a Patriarchal blessing. OMG sexist! Evil patriarchy! Except, it's not true. Every baptized Mormon (even the wimins!) can get a patriarchal blessing. Also? I'm pretty sure everyone's blessing says great things are expected of them. (Well, except mine. It says something along the lines of, "The Lord is pretty sure you're going to become an evil unmarried Democrat that writes bitter whiney blog posts, so let's try and get that bar lowered for you a bit. Try going to church once in a while maybe?")

And then... Stephen Colbert does it too. Oh the heartbreak. He's supposed to be that shining beacon of the devoutly religious AND liberal. But even he gets things wrong. You can watch the clip if you want, but the inaccuracy goes something like this: Only true blue born-in-the-faith Mormons get into the celestial kingdom. So while we do try to convert dead people into heaven, it's still not really the best heaven. So all of our claims that baptism for the dead are an inclusive service done out of love, we are really elitist jerks keeping a super secret awesome heaven all to ourselves. Except, that's wrong. It's a married people only club. Not a born to Utah Valley Hospital club. (That club would be GIGANTIC.)

(As an aside, this made me lol. It actually made me a teensy bit offended at first. Not because I really think it works. Or [blaspheme ahead] that it would even really matter. But because it mocks something I believe in. And then it was like... lightbulb omg for serious. I, like, get it now. Totally. This is like, what it's like for like, other people when we like, do it to them. Like, what-ever. [I don't know why.])

Another thing I'm getting sick of is people seriously criticizing the ridiculousness of magic underwear. Actually, liberals making fun of it. (I don't have examples; it's usually just in comments. People say things like, "How can we seriously consider electing a commander-in-chief who believes his underwear is magic? This is a real issue that should be asked in debates!") And here's why it bugs me: the "LOL magic underwear!" thing was started by other Christians. (I don't have links to prove that, so just believe me, ok?) Most other Christians (especially the Mormon-hating ones) can't really criticize us for things that we should be criticized for: treatment of women, attitudes towards homosexuality, etc. Because they suck at those things too. Usually, more so than Mormons. So they target things that are different than them, thus: lol magic underwear. Liberals aren't bound by this same hypocrisy clause. So demand it be asked, if you want. But only after ALL THE OTHER QUESTIONS THAT ACTUALLY MATTER are asked.

Oh and for the record: NO ONE THINKS THE UNDERWEAR IS MAGIC. I wish we did. I love magic. But they are just like wedding rings. They are a symbolic reminder. Also? They're a little see-through which can be traumatizing when your parents use them as pajamas. True, there are people who will tell stories about their cousin's best friend's roommate's mission companion's sister who was in a fire and everything was burned except the temple garment omg magic. There are also people who think double rainbows are deeply profound messages from God. These are people that we mock.

These are all little things, just details. But I guess I expect better. I go around acting all informed, when the places where I get informed from turn out to get some of the details wrong, in a way that feels deliberate. So what else do they conveniently get wrong? If I can't get the truth from Comedy Central and the internet, where can I get it? I can't afford HBO.

So that was long. BUT MY FEELINGS ARE LONG. And I probably shouldn't publish this, but I feel like doing it anyway.