Alas

People don't use the word "alas" often enough. I see the obnoxious *sigh* everywhere. (At least online. No one, that I know of, says "asterisk sigh asterisk" and if I did know of such a person I would not be happy with that. I suppose people have been known to say "sigh" rather than just sighing, but I'm ok with that. I don't know why. Probably because I've done it before. Or perhaps because it's always said with a sighing tone, almost making the word onomatopoeic. I'm always on board with onomatopoeia.)

Reasons to use alas instead of *sigh*

• It makes you sound fancier in a top-hat old-timey way. (Indeed!)
• There is zero risk of coming off as passive-aggressive.
• It lets you use words to convey your emotions rather than clumsy gestures jammed into stupid asterisks. You do not want to appear to be bumbling around like an agitated monkey trying to communicate its desire for a banana. Asterisk actions should be used sparingly, and for humor purposes only. *farts*
• I will like you more.

But alas, no love for alas. Puppet Dumbledore agrees with me. (I also like how Harry and Ron onomatopoeticize"bother." [I also like that I've been able to use variations of the word onomatopoeia like a bazillion times in this post.]) Alas, watch the video below.