How Jamie Learns About the World

I've completely dropped the ball on those Monday Morning Memory memes. Big surprise to all of you who know me, I'm sure. Jill is especially disappointed, I'm guessing. So to make up for it, here are several short memories where I learn something new about the world. (And I promise, the titles of these stories may make you nervous, but you have absolutely nothing to worry about.)

Jamie Learns About Lesbians: Jill and I were riding her bike. Well, Jill was pumping and I was sitting on the seat, cracking a whip demanding she go faster. (Kidding! It was totally loving and tender. Maybe a little too loving and tender.) We pass some boy from school and he shouts at us "You guys are lesbians!" Not knowing what he was talking about, but sensing it was an insult, I yelled back, "So are you!"

Scene: Later that day, Jamie sitting in the kitchen with her mom.

Jamie: Mom, what's a lesbian?

Mom: You don't need to know that.

Jamie: [leaves the room to find the dictionary]

Jamie Learns About Masturbation: I'm about 11, trying to blend into the background while the grown-ups talk about things. The current grown-up topic: the Michael Jackson trial. Pretending to be invisible and eavesdropping on adult conversations was one of my favorite hobbies as a kid. This eavesdropping session the grown-ups used a new word, saying it in hushed tones while stealing furtive glances at the girl on the couch pretending not to be listening.

Scene: Later that day, Jamie sitting in the kitchen with her mom.

Jamie: Mom, what does masturbate mean?

Mom: You don't need to know that.

Jamie: [leaves the room to find the dictionary]

Jamie Learns About the "F-Word": It's the first day of 7th grade and a kid in the hall yells an unfamiliar word that starts with "f." I spin around and gasp in shock. (I think I may have pointed as well.) Could this be that "f-word" I've heard so much about?

Scene: Later that day, Jamie sitting in the kitchen with her mom.

Jamie: Mom, does the f-word rhyme with "duck?"

Mom: You don't need to know that.

Jamie: [leaves the room to find the dictionary]

Jamie Learns About Polygamy: In 7th grade (again), girls in the P.E. locker room joke about how one girl is a "lesbian polygamist." Thanks to my trusty sex-ed teacher (the dictionary), I know what a lesbian is, but I'm not sure about "polygamist." And I'm sure I've heard this word before.

Scene: Later that day, Jamie sitting in the kitchen with her mom.

Jamie: Mom, what's a polygamist?

Mom: You don't need to know that.

Jamie: [leaves the room to find the dictionary]

The dictionary was useful only about half of the time, and I'm very glad I didn't have the internet as a child. "Dictionary" would be replaced with "google" and even though I thought I wanted to know everything, there were some things I really didn't need to know. Some of those ages and dates are a little embarrassing to admit, but "embarrassing to admit" could be the title of a movie based on my entire pre-teen/teen life. When you are the oldest kid in a sheltered Mormon home, growing up with mostly Mormon friends, some things just take a little longer to figure out.