Some moments that made me laugh (from the recaps):
[Quote from book]: A word I'd never said before in the presence of a lady slid between my clenched teeth. [end quote]
Given the "curse words" in the other four books, I'm going to assume the word is "dang."
I don't know where Carlisle is, but he's probably off being compassionate somewhere.
It's kind of like a sparkly teenage version of "Bad Blood." "All I had for breakfast this morning was half a mountain lion with cream cheese, and it wasn't even real cream cheese, it was LIGHT cream cheese! I DO IT ALL FOR YOU, BELLA!"
If you feel compelled to be updated on the wide world of sparkling vampires, but find it difficult to stomach Twilight's unique "outrageous flavor," I highly recommend reading the recaps linked above. They're available for all of the books. Warning: If you do read the recaps, they have real curse words. Not just the mere mentioning of curse words too delicate for our lady brains.