No spider eating required

Survivor starts February 16. If you want to play along with Jill and me, here are the rules:

1. Pick yourself. (Kelly Taylor style!) Check out all of the contestants in the first episode. Choose who is most like yourself. This is not the person you think is most likely to win. This is the person, out of the entire group, that is most like you. Jill usually picks a blonde, I usually pick a brunette. If there's someone kind of mean and snarky, I tend to pick her as "myself." Your pick doesn't necessary have to look like you, or even be the same gender. There just needs to be some kind of shared connection. Last season, Jill's Survivor Self was an older ER doctor with short red hair, but they had the same name.

Previous Survivor Self picks:

• Tocantins -- Me: Erinn, Jill: Sierra.
• Samoa -- Me: Laura, Jill: Ashley
• Heroes vs. Villains: -- Me: Parvati, Jill: Courtney
• Nicaragua -- Me: Brenda, Jill: Jill

2. Pick your alliance. This rule is new. After you've chosen your Survivor self, you can pick two additional players to be your "alliance." You'll want to pick people you think will make it to the end. They do not need to be on the same tribe as your Survivor Self. (Remember: this isn't real.)

Rules:

1. The person with the Survivor Self or Alliance member that lasts the longest wins. There is no prize (other than the title of Fake Sole Survivor), so the scoring doesn't get anymore technical than that.
2. No cheating by looking up spoilers. (I say this mostly to myself, as I love looking up spoilers.) You can look them up after you make your picks.
3. Picks must be final before episode 2. Use cbs.com/survivor to look over the bios for all of the Survivors. Episode 1 rarely features everyone, especially when there's a returning cast member gimmick like this season. Be prepared for The Russell and Rob Show, at least until they get voted out.

Episode 5

Survivor post again! This one is short. I propose that the entire game of Survivor be played with blindfolds from now on. Blindfolded reality contestants = hilarity.

Why I like Survivor

From my last two posts, it may seem like Survivor annoys me. It's often sexist, some players are huge jerks, and it's rarely "fair." But what better mirror for our every day lives?

If a male executive and female executive are equally hard on their employees, guess who gets the "bitch" label? Along with whispered back talk of "why is she here so late, doesn't she have kids?" or "is a skirt with that high a hemline really professional?" Survivor equivalent: See previous post comparing Parvati and J.T. Or: "she swore she'd vote with me then lied (in a game of lying)? What a horrible mother/scout leader/Christian." Or: "how dare a woman try to form alliances while wearing a bikini (on a tropical island). Slut!"

If a VP makes six figures and gets four weeks of paid vacation, does that automatically mean he knows how to send an email? Or plug in a USB device? Of course not. Survivor equivalent: The winner is rarely the one who can start fire without flint, catch fish with his bare hands, or build a shelter out of twigs and coconut shells.

I admit, Survivor is just entertainment. But for me at least, it's fascinating entertainment. People "voluntarily marooned" on a desert island don't really act much differently than they do at work, home, or church. But when someone gets voted out every other day, and a million dollars are at stake? All of those passive aggressive grudges and prejudices quickly come right to the surface.

That girl is like a virus

I realized last night that Parvati and J.T. are almost the exact same player. They both have excessive amounts of charisma, and use it to their advantage. They could both be very successful cult leaders. Upon meeting them, other players suddenly want to help them win. In J.T.'s original season, one player said "J.T. winning would be like me winning." In Parvati's second season, her alliance convinced one player to not use immunity and another player to hand over his immunity, right before voting them out. Both J.T. and Parvati joked about how stupid everyone was to believe them, and then successfully lied to them again. In those seasons, Parvati and J.T. won the million dollars.

In this season, Parvati is on the "villains" tribe and J.T. is on the "heroes" tribe. When men use charm and charisma to win Survivor, it's heroic and lauded as brilliant "strategy." When women do it, it's sneaky, evil, and compared to a virus, while being dismissed and devalued as mere "flirting."

Things I'm learning from Survivor

I realized the this season of Survivor gives us the opportunity to really understand what makes a hero and what makes a villain.

Heroes:

• Allow men to "run their mouths," but vote out women when they do it.
• Allow men to suck at puzzles, with no consequences. (Even though losing the puzzle means voting someone off.)
• Are really good at building huts in the tropical forest.
• Like to repeatedly shout "ONE VOICE" over the top of other people talking.
  

Villains:

• Have the uncanny ability to predict horrible events. (At least if you are Courtney. She has two fulfilled prophecies so far: "Break her shoulder!" and "I hope he doesn't drop dead.")
• Can't build huts or make coconut popcorn.
• Allow men to complain loudly, but mock women when they offer suggestions. Or at least when they are waitress offering suggestions.
• Make really sad boo-boo faces.
  
• ROCK at puzzles.

The last hour of my life

I just spent the last hour watching tv, switching back and forth from Millionaire Matchmaker and Cougar Town. I know Millionaire Matchmaker is stupid, but sometimes (ok, lots of times) I really enjoy stupid tv. Watching Cougar Town was totally an accident. I was aiming for the Olympics, but clearly Channel Surfing is not my sport. I only missed by 1 channel, so if I keep practicing, who knows. If I could change the channel using a gun while wearing skis, I might have a chance in Russia in 2014.

7 pm, Thursday... he better be aiming for CBS or NBC

I was pleasantly surprised to find that I actually kinda liked it. It scored overwhelmingly high in the "casting people I like from other shows" category: Monica from Friends, Phoebe from Friends (though only for a guest appearance), Jordan from Scrubs, Shawn from Scrubs (my favorite of Elliot's boyfriends), and most points for BUSY PHILIPPS!!! Kim Kelly from Freaks and Geeks!

For the cast alone, I watched for the entire two episodes, no doubt missing wonderfully trashy shenanigans from Patty's Millionaire's Club. It was actually pretty funny! And occasionally insightful and sweet. Jordan is playing her exact same character, who I love. Monica is a lot like the Monica from the early seasons, when she was actually likable. And Kim Kelly is all grown up, but still the same lovable loud mouth. So maybe this show doesn't score high on the originality, but I'm ok with that. Not every show can be Community. I think the next time I watch this show, it will be on purpose.

Fire represents life

I promised a Survivor post, and here it is. Try to contain your excitement.

Survivor is tonight! I'm just so happy. Tears of joy.

I keep trying to write a post about why I like Survivor so much, as a way of introducing the epic upcoming "Heroes vs. Villains" 20th season. (Airing tonight, 7 pm, on CBS!) But I decided to just keep it simple. You are either a Survivor fan or you aren't. I can't make anyone love this show as much as I do, but I can talk about it on my blog with the hopes of discovering some other closet Survivor lovers.

That's right. I've even bought the merchandise. I'm officially a Survivor geek.

So here's my pre-Suvivor post. I am ranking the survivors from season 20. The people at the top are the ones I'd most like to see win. The ones at the bottom are the ones I'd really enjoy seeing lose a fight with a shark. Or maybe just get voted out pre-jury.

Season 20 Survivors: Favorite to least favorite to most loathed:

• Boston Rob - Villain: from the Marquesas and All-star seasons
• Parvati - Villain: from the Cook Islands and Fans/favorites seasons
• Cirie - Hero: from the Panama "Exile Island" and Fans/favorites seasons
• Courtney - Villain: from the China season
• Colby - Hero: from the Outback and All-star seasons
• Amanda - Hero: from the China and Fans/favorites season
• Jerri - Villain: from the Outback and All-star seasons
• Candice - Hero: from the Cook Islands season
• J.T. - Hero: from the Tocantins season
• Stephanie - Hero: from the Palau and Guatemala seasons
• Tom - Hero: from the Palau season
• Sandra - Villain: from the Pearl Islands season
• Sugar - Hero: from the Gabon season
• James - Hero: from the China and Fans/favorites seasons
• Danielle - Villain: from the Panama "Exile Island" season
• Rupert - Hero: from the Pearl Islands and All-star seasons
• Randy - Villain: from the Gabon season
• Coach - Villain: from the Tocantins season
• Tyson - Villain: from the Tocantins season
• Russell - Villain: from the Samoa season

Yes, this is the THIRD season for some players. Player or fan, survivor is a lifetime commitment. The players in bold are previous winners. The players in italics made it to the final tribal council in at least one of their seasons. This game is going to be good. I can't wait! :D