Stalling

Overheard on Public Transportation

2011-09-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

As I am now without a car, I think this has the potential to become a regular series.

I Really Hope They Are Talking About Picking a Band Name

She-Hooligan: We're going to be firetruck cannibals.
He-Hooligan: You're what?
She-Hooligan: We're going to be firetrucks that eat other firetrucks.
He-Hooligan: I'd love to see you guys just walk into a fire station...
She-Hooligan: ...and start, like, gnawing on the tires. Haha.
He-Hooligan: Haha. Well if anyone could do that, it'd be you guys.

Anarchists New Making Friends

Angry Man: You see that cop?
Jaded Teen: Yeah?
Angry Man: He's there to give you a $500 ticket for jaywalking.
Jaded Teen: Woah.
Angry Man: They can't think of normal ways to do things, so they just make them up.
Jaded Teen: I hate cops.
Crazy Bearded Man: Me too! I keep getting hit by cars when crossing a crosswalks.
Jaded Teen: Man.
Crazy Bearded Man: It's happened three times. The cops told me that half of them were my fault. The light was white. How was that my fault?

Don't MESS with the professor!

2011-09-12T19:36:00.000-07:00

People at work were talking about how they didn't like the Care Bears. They must have spent too much time in The Land Without Feeling. There's only one cure for that. CARE BEAR STARE!!!

Part One

Part Two (if you are only going to watch one part, watch this one. It has two stellar musical numbers.)

Part Three

Thoughts:
Eat a spoonful of ice cream every time Kevin says, "Who cares." (Be sure you have lots of ice cream. Preferably Ben & Jerry's Clusterfluff. It is the bestest ice cream in the world.)

If bears start falling from the sky and you end up talking to four headed statues, you might want to start caring, Kevin.

Sleepy Bear is brilliant. "They should take a nap." Every problem can be solved that way.

Best dialogue ever:
"Who are they?"
"Well, they could be my friends. But I don't care about them. So they're not."

Oh wait, no this is the best dialogue ever:
"Wow. Meanie city."

Why I Don't Like Water Slides

2011-08-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

When I was 12, the youth in my ward went on a "super activity" to Seven Peaks Waterpark. My friend talked me into going on what, as a neurotic 12-year-old, looked like a scary water slide. You sat in a pitch black tube and slide down the slide. For those of you unfamiliar with water slides, the concept is pretty basic: you start at the top, ride down, yell "whee!" into the dark void and land in the pool of water at the bottom. I was told that this was supposed to be fun. At Seven Peaks, you can rent a 1-rider tube, a 2-rider tube, or a 3-rider tube. One person in a tube goes down the slide slower than three people in a tube. (For those of you unfamiliar with gravity.) Expanding on this basic premise, it would seem obvious that one 12-year-old 80 pound little girl in a tube would go down much slower than three 30-year-old 250 pound dudes in a multi-rider tube. Knowing about gravity was clearly not a requirement for water slide technicians at Seven Peaks. (At least this was the case in 1994. My incident may have resulted in a recalibration of the water slide technician training.)

Now the water slide technicians job was to stand at the top of slide and tell you when to go down. Ideally, he or she is trying to space all the riders out somewhat evenly, so as not to clog the slide, but to keep the line moving. So he says "go!" to my friend, she goes, and I situate myself, nervously awaiting instruction to go. I hear her screaming echoed back up through the empty darkness of the tunnel. The clearly disinterested tech waves his hand at me. I look at him, unsure what to do. Annoyed, he yells "go!" So I go. I'm sliding down, trying to convince myself this is fun, tightly gripping the tube handles and not making any sounds at all. Soon, I hear the loud whooping that can only come from three 30-year-old developmentally arrested "dudes." I was no physics prodigy, but I could tell that the sound was coming up behind me much faster than I was moving. I held on tighter and closed my eyes. What else could I do? At about the middle of the slide, the dude-mobile ran right over me like I was a just a speed bump. There was a surprised "woah!" and I think one guy said "did we run into someone?" But the concern was quickly dismissed as the whooping and hollering continued, quickly fading as they sped through the rest of the slide. My tube had toppled upside down, and since I refused to let go of the handles, I was skidding down face first, on my stomach, with the tube perched uselessly on my rear end. Not surprisingly to those who know me well, I was mostly preoccupied with the mortifying thought that I would come out of the slide looking stupid. So I desperately tried to get the tube back under me, but only ended up losing my grip on it. The tube rushed down with me, and I scraped down the last quarter of the slide alone.

I try to think of the poor lifeguard that monitors the wading pool where the slide ends. Three dudes shoot out and tell him, "I think we ran over something?" And then a riderless tube shoots out. Soon after, a tiny 12-year-old girl tumbles out head first, visibly bleeding from her thigh. He heroically ran towards me, helped me stand up, and checked out the massive scrape on my leg. Though I was slightly in pain, and a little traumatized, more than anything, I felt shame and humiliation. I failed at the water slide. If I were being graded on water slides, I would have surely earned an F. I convinced the lifeguard I was fine, and ran away as fast as I could. I swore my friend to secrecy. And I spent the rest of day in the shallow end of the wave pool where I belonged, inspecting my enormous thundercloud shaped bruise, glaring at the waterslides, and feeling like a failure.

Nice to Meet You

2011-08-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, I volunteer teaching ESL to immigrants and refugees. I usually teach a pre-literate class, where we go over letter names and sounds and sound out very basic words. But tonight, I get to teach an intermediate class, which means... games! (As opposed to blank stares of confusion.)

So here's my game. Pick one of the pictures below and on the back, write a sentence about it filling the blanks with words you come up on your own. First sentence: I am [name]. I am [number] years old. I live in [a place] with [people]. Then you pass the picture to the next person, and they continue the "story."

I like [stuff] and [other stuff].
Yesterday I [did stuff] because [good reason].
I used to be [something], but now I am [something better].
Tomorrow I will [do something awesome].
I hope that one day I will [do something amazing].
I am afraid of [scary thing].
I am good at [skill] and [other skill].

At the end, we read the stories out loud and talk about these people we just made up.I'll share the interesting stories after class today, but which person would you chose?

"I'm not evil at all."

"Do you have any napkins?"

"This is my left foot's favorite song."

"Why yes I am wearing gloves."

"Oh I'm most definitely evil."

"Has anyone seen my cat?"

"I know I buried that gun around here somewhere."

"Some idiot printed this book backwards."

"Nobody ever pays me in gum."

Alas

2011-07-28T08:45:00.001-07:00

People don't use the word "alas" often enough. I see the obnoxious *sigh* everywhere. (At least online. No one, that I know of, says "asterisk sigh asterisk" and if I did know of such a person I would not be happy with that. I suppose people have been known to say "sigh" rather than just sighing, but I'm ok with that. I don't know why. Probably because I've done it before. Or perhaps because it's always said with a sighing tone, almost making the word onomatopoeic. I'm always on board with onomatopoeia.)

Reasons to use alas instead of *sigh*

It makes you sound fancier in a top-hat old-timey way. (Indeed!)
There is zero risk of coming off as passive-aggressive.
It lets you use words to convey your emotions rather than clumsy gestures jammed into stupid asterisks. You do not want to appear to be bumbling around like an agitated monkey trying to communicate its desire for a banana. Asterisk actions should be used sparingly, and for humor purposes only. *farts*
I will like you more.

But alas, no love for alas. Puppet Dumbledore agrees with me. (I also like how Harry and Ron onomatopoeticize"bother." [I also like that I've been able to use variations of the word onomatopoeia like a bazillion times in this post.]) Alas, watch the video below.

Still doesn't bother me as much as trayshur and mayshur

2011-07-21T06:49:00.000-07:00

Read this outloud:

I know it's been awhile since I've written. In the last letter I told you about the kitten I found.... He was in pretty bad shape and it looks like he's been beaten.

Instead of written, kitten, and beaten, did you say RIH-un, KIH-un, and BEE-un? Then you are probably from Utah. If you didn't say anything, then you probably can't read. Quite frankly, I don't know why you are on my blog if you can't read. Here, enjoy this picture of a kitty.

"Don't worry. I can't read either. Please don't beat me."

This isn't news or anything (even though ksl seems to think so). I was made fun of for saying MOU-un instead of mountain in college. (I was also made fun of for knowing what fry sauce was and for using the word "sluffing" instead of "ditching." And in elementary school I was made fun of for crying when I couldn't find my math book, but I probably deserved that.) When I catch myself doing leaving out the t's, I try to stop. But for some reason, it feels really wrong to pronounce the "tt" in button. Yet I have no problem pronouncing the "tt" in butt. In fact, I actually quite enjoy it.

My favorite part of the article was this line:

Many Utahns have undoubtedly heard it on the streets and in the malls, especially in places where young women gather.

Why are all these young women gathering on the streets? That sounds suspicious. Go back to the malls, the spas, the Targets, and the Twilight book signings.

When I was at Disneyland, waiting in line for the Matterhorn, the guy in front of me was telling his children about the abdominal snowman. (That snowman is ripped.) He also used the "word" supposebly. Man that guy was dumb. That really has nothing to do with the rest of the post, but I thought it was funny. And I still do.

The Greatest Show Ever Made

2011-07-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

David Bowie Voldemort would totally break into song at least once, right?

Two important questions

2011-06-15T09:52:00.000-07:00

Conversation yesterday:

Jill: Aw man, I left my pumpkin juice at work.

Me [disgusted]: Why the hell do you have pumpkin juice?

Jill: It's from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

Me: Why the hell don't I have pumpkin juice?

What the world needs

2011-06-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

What the world needs is a spin class at a gym that merges cycling with Mario Cart. You race against the other people in the class. You pick up boxes. You have to lean forward or push a handle bar to throw shells at people. You have to steer. Your resistance goes way up if you go in the mud. It'd be awesome. I would play every day. But until that's invented, I'm playing regular Mario Cart on the wii every day, sitting on my couch like a loser.

Easter Sunday

2011-04-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

For me, Easter morning had only one motivation: do NOT be the last one to find your Easter basket. My parents didn't do the more traditional Easter Egg Hunt with candy and plastic eggs scattered everywhere, waiting for the most resourceful or determined kid to find them all. My parents had five kids and knew the sacred value of fairness. Our Easter candy was divided equally into baskets, labeled, and then hidden. Also, they were hidden inside the house. No one in my family goes outside before 10 am. What are we, farmers?

Easter morning was like a mini-Christmas; Mom and Dad would make us wait in our rooms until we were called out. We all came out at once, and quietly but furiously began scouring the house for the Easter basket with our name on it. If we saw someone else's basket, we'd pretend we didn't see anything and discreetly move on. Every year, one of us would be the last to find it, and it would take FOREVER. And usually, everybody else had already seen where your basket was hidden. There was no greater shame.

I remember two specific instances where one final Easter basket taunted one of my siblings. (Also taunting: me and the other siblings.) The first was Jill's. We were all pretty young. In fact, I think it was just me and Jill and Carly. Jill was doomed from the start: my dad had hidden her basket while my mom had hidden mine and Carly's. My mom's basket hiding philosophy was something like "wouldn't it be funny to walk down stairs and see your basket hanging from the ceiling fan?" (I think my mom invented lulz.) My dad's basket hiding philosophy was more along the lines of "let's pretend I just murdered someone with this Easter basket and the cops were on their way over with a search warrant." Jill is still traumatized to this day over how long it took her to find that basket. (It was in the shower.)

Specific instance number two was a little cruel, now that I think about it. My brother, Jake, was afraid of the vacuum for many years of his life. He called it the "um" and would stay clear of the carpet until the vacuuming was finished. (Adorable!) I think you can see where this is going. Of course, the rest of us had found his basket, but for some reason, Jake had avoided opening the coat closet with the vacuum inside, his Easter basket perched on top. (Guess who hid it: mom or dad?) As we watched him wander around, looking in the oven, the shower (ever since Jill's fun year, that was one of the first places we looked), peering into the washing machine, we started to feel bad. So, to help him out, we all started humming "uuuummmm....." After he decided we weren't crazy, he realized what we were doing, and very quickly found his Easter basket.

Days like this

2011-03-31T19:14:00.000-07:00

Highlights from today's evening walk:

Little purple violets that pop up all along the park strip through last year's dead leaves and trampled grass
Watching two kids across the street running back and forth through their tiny lawn, barefoot in their pajamas
Feeling the first traces of lingering warmth into the air
Knowing that even though I really didn't want to put on shoes and take a walk, I did it anyway

It's now 8 pm and my window is still wide open, the last bit of March air breathing through my bedroom. The sky is still slightly glowing at the edges, clinging to the last bit of sun. I'm watching the blue slowly darken around black empty trees. Tomorrow is April, and Friday, and spring is coming.

I went to Disneyland

2011-03-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

And Jill took pictures. And wrote blog posts. You should go read them.

Japanese Garden: When Koi Fish Attack!
Aquarium of the Pacific: Invasion of the Field Trippers!
Disneyland: Rides, Raves, and Rain!
Everything Else: Things Not Worthy of Exclamation Points!

Belated

2011-03-15T19:17:00.000-07:00

The post, that is. Not the gifts. My best birthday presents, birthday #29:

From Jill to me:
Cute cereal bowls, a variety of fancy fruit-infused olive oils, three spiffy salad dressing shakers, and a plethora of pop.

Oh and a happy dish brush.

From me to me:
A clean room. This is a really big deal. My room is usually a laundry pile, empty soda pop can, book stack disaster. (Side note: If my life depended on my ability to hold a camera straight and take a decent well-lit picture, I would surely die.)

Bookshelf and bright window

Bed and scarves

Love seat and (partial) desk

No spider eating required

2011-01-31T07:30:00.000-08:00

Survivor starts February 16. If you want to play along with Jill and me, here are the rules:

1. Pick yourself. (Kelly Taylor style!) Check out all of the contestants in the first episode. Choose who is most like yourself. This is not the person you think is most likely to win. This is the person, out of the entire group, that is most like you. Jill usually picks a blonde, I usually pick a brunette. If there's someone kind of mean and snarky, I tend to pick her as "myself." Your pick doesn't necessary have to look like you, or even be the same gender. There just needs to be some kind of shared connection. Last season, Jill's Survivor Self was an older ER doctor with short red hair, but they had the same name.

Previous Survivor Self picks:
Tocantins -- Me: Erinn, Jill: Sierra.
Samoa -- Me: Laura, Jill: Ashley
Heroes vs. Villains: -- Me: Parvati, Jill: Courtney
Nicaragua -- Me: Brenda, Jill: Jill

2. Pick your alliance. This rule is new. After you've chosen your Survivor self, you can pick two additional players to be your "alliance." You'll want to pick people you think will make it to the end. They do not need to be on the same tribe as your Survivor Self. (Remember: this isn't real.)

Rules:

The person with the Survivor Self or Alliance member that lasts the longest wins. There is no prize (other than the title of Fake Sole Survivor), so the scoring doesn't get anymore technical than that.
No cheating by looking up spoilers. (I say this mostly to myself, as I love looking up spoilers.) You can look them up after you make your picks.
Picks must be final before episode 2. Use cbs.com/survivor to look over the bios for all of the Survivors. Episode 1 rarely features everyone, especially when there's a returning cast member gimmick like this season. Be prepared for The Russell and Rob Show, at least until they get voted out.

I swear I'm not turning this into a food blog

2011-01-19T07:04:00.001-08:00

But I found another really tasty recipe. This is even better than the Tuna Tarragon Salad, because it's SO GOOD for you. Less than 300 calories a serving, and only 5 grams of fat. The recipe makes two servings. (Source. As if I could make up my own recipe.)

Cantonese chicken and corn soup

Ingredients:
1-inch piece of fresh ginger—peeled
3 cups chicken broth (I fancy up the broth by boiling it with 2 carrots, 2 stalks of celery, 1 onion, and 2 sprigs of parsley for 30 minutes, then straining out the vegetables.)
1 tablespoon soy sauce
½ teaspoon sesame oil
¾ cup canned creamed corn
1 oz (30g) dried rice vermicelli noodles
1 tablespoon cornstarch (cornflour) mixed to a paste with 1 tablespoon water
½ cup skinless rotisserie chicken breast—finely shredded
1 scallion (spring onion)—thinly sliced

Directions:
CRUSH the piece of ginger with the side of a large knife blade, keeping it in one piece. PUT the ginger, stock, soy sauce and sesame oil in a saucepan and bring to the boil. REDUCE the heat and simmer for 3 minutes, then remove the piece of ginger. ADD the creamed corn, noodles and scallion and simmer for a further 3 minutes. STIR in the cornstarch paste and keep stirring as the soup thickens. ADD the shredded chicken breast, warm through, then serve.

P.S. I know I should take pictures of these recipes. I actually did take one of the pasta salad, but according to Jill it looked like maggots. I swear, it didn't taste like maggots. So I figure the recipes are better without my pictures. Though the actual picture of the pasta salad can't be worse than repeated use of the word "maggots" in a post about food.

Look, here's a picture of this lovely soup.

(I didn't take this picture, but it really does end up looking like this.)

Tuna Tarragon Pasta Salad

2011-01-06T14:10:00.000-08:00

This is my new favorite recipe. If you've ever been to Sweet Tomatoes, they have this in their salad bar. I got the recipe from here, and when I made it, I only used shell pasta, I didn't coat the pasta with oil, I didn't put in celery, and I used regular black pepper instead of white pepper. DELICIOUS.

1 tablespoon salt
5 cups small shell pasta
1 1/4 cups penne pasta
1 cup spinach fettuccine (3-inch pieces)
2 tablespoons canola oil
2 (6 ounce) cans tuna in water
2 cups sweet pickle juice (small jar contains about 1 cup)
1 3/4 cups mayonnaise
1 1/2 cups sweet pickles (diced)
1 cup celery (diced)
1/2 cup sour cream
1 1/2 tablespoons dried tarragon leaves
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon white pepper

For the pasta: In a large pot, bring 3 quarts of water and 1 tablespoon salt to a full boil. Add pastas and cook for about 10 minutes until al dente. Immediately strain pasta and cool by running cold water over pasta in strainer. Drain pasta completely and place in a bowl. Coat pasta with canola oil to prevent sticking.
For the dressing: Place tuna in a large bowl and break down into small pieces. Add the remaining dressing ingredients and thoroughly whisk to combine.
Combine the dressing and cooked pasta and mix thoroughly. ALLOW SALAD TO MARINATE FOR 8 HOURS! After 8 hours, top with more pickle juice and salt and pepper to taste.

Crash and Burn

2011-01-02T21:00:00.000-08:00

You ever start listening to a song over the restaurant speakers or at a store in the mall and get this overwhelming feeling I know this song. Not just realizing you'd heard it before somewhere, but knowing that this song was significant to you on some emotional level, many many years ago. It overwhelms you like some potent, long-forgotten aroma. You can't figure out the name or or the artist, but you can sing along to all the words. Then you get embarrassed, because the song is super cheesy, but you know at one point in your life, you truly felt that this song really spoke to the anguished depths of your teen-aged soul.

Jill and I were eating at Red Robin when this song came on (link to youtube video), and we both shared that similar moment. And omg I just watched the video and he does sign language. Remember in high school and seminary when adding sign language was really the super special cherry on top that launched a musical performance from dab-your-eyes spiritual to so-uplifting-that-I-would-be-terribly-ungrateful-if-I-did-not-share-my-testimony-with-you-right now! (Okay, maybe that's a bit harsh. But I blame my aversion to overt spiritual manipulation on the girl who taught relief society lessons in college using Enya songs and clips of the World Trade Center being attacked.)

Once we figured out what that song was (is it from a Disney movie? is it used in some epic amv? why do we both instantly react to this song?), we laughed over our awkward sentimentality:

Jill: I do not want to tell you about the memory associated with this song, it's too embarrassing.
Me: Was it about Adam or Chad?
Jill: Neither. It was about Jesus.
Song: When you feel all alone / And the world has turned its back on you / If you need to crash then crash and burn / You're not alone
Me: Yeah, I can see that.

Disclaimer: I still kind of love that song, and may have watched the music video more than once today.

Jill's New Phone

2010-12-28T13:06:00.000-08:00

Jill bought a new cell phone. It is super fancy. It has this new feature where you can speak out loud, and the phone types up the text from what you said. So I spent last night listening to Jill text. "I'd love to." "No worries." "I know right?" "Sorry I didn't respond, I was driving home."

Jill's old phone looked something like this.

So now you can talk to a phone, have it type up your words, and send them electronically to another person to read. Isn't technology amazing? How much longer until we can just talk directly to another person over these things? That's the future.

Hereafter

2010-10-25T06:49:00.000-07:00

I saw Hereafter this weekend. I liked it, but Jill didn't. She did say it was better than The American, but that can barely be considered an endorsement. Even though I liked it, it wasn't without it's problems:

About 1/3 of the movie is subtitled. I know this is so uncultured of me, but sometimes I am just not in the mood for subtitles. I didn't mind them this time, but I wish I had been warned.
The music is very heavy-handed and at times annoying.
Plot advancements happen via google searches. This shouldn't bother me that much. It's 2010, and people really do base actions and decisions on google searches. But it feels like lazy writing. Maybe it's just forever tainted because it was used in Twilight.
The dialogue is often awkward. In a moment of amazement, a character actually says, "Well I'll be."

Listing all of those weaknesses made me wonder why I think I liked it. Maybe I'm greatly underestimating the appeal of Matt Damon. The tsunami scene at the beginning is breathtakingly horrific. Not "I wish I could erase this from my brain" horrific (like some scenes in certain movies). The movie never again reaches the same power as that opening scene, but I thought it was an interesting meditation on what happens to us after we die.

The real office

2010-10-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I'm tempted to open a new blog and post word-for-word entries about the things my co-workers talk about every single day. Here's a list of possible topics for this fictional blog.

Why black people should just get over racism already.
The estimated fuel costs of commuting to work via helicopter.
All the wrong ways to make coffee, with long and detailed explanations about why bad coffee is the worst thing ever.
I'm on a boat mf'er! Also! There was this one time, I was on a boat. Which reminds me, I rode a boat this one time, and it was in the water with me on it. Plus, sometimes waves hit boats. And did you know I've been on a boat?
I never eat cake. And here's why that is interesting. (You'd think this post would be short, but you'd be wrong.)
You may think you have a headache, got a divorce, or recently lost your mother, but let me tell you a story about my life that is EVEN WORSE.
Guess what? Yesterday my dog looked at me.
Why well-established laws of physics don't make sense to me and are therefore probably inaccurate.
Let's have a hyperbole contest over how cold it is in here! (Winner: I touch my desk and feel like my hand has freezer burn.)
Cats are Satan's minions, here on earth only to terrorize us.

...You know, I was going to use this entry to make fun of why this was a bad idea and how I already use this blog for that, but I think I might really do it.

The Easy Red Social Town

2010-10-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

I've seen like a billion movies since I last updated. What gives? I'm lazy, that's what gives. I saw The Town, The Social Network, Easy A, and RED. See? A billion. So here are the reviews, from my least favorite to my most favorite.

Easy A
Likable protagonist, sometimes funny, but the movie is very overrated. I was expecting something like Clueless - silly contemporary literary adaptation but with Scarlet Letter instead of Emma. I left the theater very disappointed.

RED
I know a guy that refuses to watch movie trailers, because he feels they ruin the movie. I think that guy would like RED a lot more than I did. It was a perfectly fun fluff movie, but it felt like an extended version of the trailer. No surprises, no amazing chase scenes, no commentary on society. (Though there IS a lot of Karl Urban in a suit.) So you'll like the movie exactly as much as you liked the trailer. (Maybe a little more if you like looking at Karl Urban in a suit.)

Srsly, I'm wearing a suit.

The Town
I really liked this movie, but I left the theater disappointed with the scope of it. (Does that even make sense?) The premise, from the trailer, is that this small area of Boston is responsible for a disproportionately high number of bank robberies. That premise has a lot of promise. But it's just a regular bank robbery movie with a little bit of romance. I had a problem with Ben Affleck's character being characterized as the hero. He kills a lot of people breaks a lot of laws, and gets away with it. Am I supposed to be ok with that because of where he comes from? Because of his life circumstance? The movie isn't very clear with that. And Jon Hamm's character would have been a total waste of a character, were it not played by Jon Hamm. But it was, so no complaints. Overall, the movie was intense and entertaining, with great bank heist/car chase intensity.

The Social Network
Loved this movie. (Just pretend that it's not half fiction.) I like that it never really tells you what to think of Mark Zuckerburg. It makes judgments on all other characters (that scene with the twins and dean was AWESOME), but you never really feel comfortable coming to any conclusions about Mark. Is he good or is he evil? Mostly evil, right? He deals with his deep insecurity over being excluded and marginalized by society by creating his own society... and then using it to excluding and marginalize the people who were his actual friends. Very interesting movie. Great dialogue, excellent music and cinematography, and good pacing. I loved the actor that played the twins. They were my favorite characters.

But which bar is ME?!

2010-09-29T08:55:00.000-07:00

I present to you, the most confusing bar graph in the history of bar graphs. (The long, sordid history of bar graphs.)

I scored somewhere between better than 93% of the public and below 3% of the public. Out of 15 questions. I'm higher than better, but less than below, but only of 3%. Using math, I've deduced that my bar is 4%... of something. I just want to know how much better I am than other people, in the form of concrete statistical proof. Is that too much to ask?

Take the quiz. It's fun and churchy. (I know, redundant.) I scored 3 degrees less than one half of the minority population, taking into account the average mass of a small dog. What did you score?

Something to read

2010-09-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

I love this post. (I love most posts by this author, but this one is especially nice.)

Hey, boss

2010-09-07T07:21:00.000-07:00

If you hang out with Jill and me for an extended period of time (YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY!), you will likely hear one of the following phrases:

"Fiyuh."
"Indeed, top hat."
"I'm so omnommy."
"TIG!"
"Oh no, tubes!"
"MAH GOATS!"

These are a few of our own personal idioms. They succinctly express things like: "What I just said was kind of pointless, and a little bit passive aggressive, but let's not let things get tense." Or: "Aren't my sudden moments of insecurity awkward and hilarious?" And sometimes: "Holy crap, this conversation has gotten so stupid that we might as well be hillbillies sitting barefoot in a mud puddle, picking our teeth with straw, talking about all the different types of meat we like to eat." I can usually remember how each particular phrase/made-up word came to mean what it now means, but they've become so ingrained in our daily lexicon that they're less about the story that became the phrase and more about our shared history and emotional understanding.

Here's how a phrase or word becomes an inside idiom. Last week, I was telling Jill about this youtube video of a woman throwing her neighbor's cat in the garbage. Some self-ordained internet posse took it upon themselves to track this woman down and harass her for her heinous crime against humanity. Well, against cats. Catmanity. I was telling Jill the things they did to her, like post her real address and phone number online, spam her email accounts, and call her boss. Jill stopped me here and demanded explanation, "They called her boss?" I confirmed it. She got a weird look on her face, but let me continue with the story. She said internet people were weird, but admitted, "I guess that would get annoying. A bunch of people calling you "boss" over and over again." I clarified that they called her employer, but we were already laughing at the misunderstanding. Laughing quite uproariously, while acting out the bully tactic of calling someone "boss."

And thus "Hey, boss" (said in a menacing, taunting tone) was born. It's also appropriately used in im-chat as "BOSS" at the end of a sentence. It means: "I'm teasing you, but in a light-hearted silly way."

The American

2010-09-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

Jill and I saw The American last night, the spy movie with George Clooney. (George Clooney was with the movie, not Jill and me. In case anyone was confused.) I can't really spoil this movie, because there was NO PLOT. If anyone ever writes a screenplay that includes several long scenes of the male protagonist sitting alone in a room, thinking about his troubled past, that movie must star George Clooney. Jill broke the movie down into seven scenes: George Clooney sitting alone in a room thinking, George Clooney building a gun, George Clooney listening to a priest talk while he sits silently and thinks, George Clooney driving a car (all the while thinking), George Clooney with a beautiful woman, George Clooney walking in the dark thinking he's being followed, and George Clooney on the phone. Create about 5-6 variations of each of those scenes, shuffle them in random order, and you've got the very boring movie I saw last night.

Voldemort is not the bad guy

2010-08-30T13:37:00.001-07:00

Yes, another post, but Harry Potter was slighted in my comments and I must avenge his honor! Not really, but a commenter presented an interesting observation about the Harry Potter saga that I think warrants interesting discussion. (I will mention some book 7 spoilers, if you care.)

Chad said:

The magic stuff and basic story elements are fine enough but the bad guy is terribly boring. He's like a villain from Captain Planet or something. "Blast, foiled again because I do not understand basic concepts of love, friendship and turning the water off while brushing my teeth!"

This comment is funny, but I think it misses the point. Voldemort is not the bad guy in Harry Potter, in my opinion. Voldemort is the personification of pure evil. The "bad guys" are the ones that are seduced by Voldemort's (evil's) promises of greatness and power. The worst offender is Bellatrix LeStrange. She is just about as cartoon-evil as Voldemort himself. But all other bad guys are varying shades of gray.

J.K. Rowling does some really interesting things with the concept of "bad guys" throughout her series. We first meet Voldemort in book 1 physically attached to Professor Quirrel. Our first introduction to the "bad guy" has him completely consuming one of his followers. I think this is significant. The true power of Voldemort is his influence over those that follow him.

We see him again in book 2 as Tom Riddle, before he became Voldemort. His "bad guy" status isn't readily apparent, but like in book 1, he only gains power when someone willingly opens up to him. Rowling shows us that even Ginny Weasley, who throughout the rest of the series is completely good (in an awesome, kick-ass kind of way), is vulnerable to Voldemort's power. Ginny's weakness was her insecurity and fear, and evil preys on our weakness. Book 1 shows us that the danger of Voldemort lies in his influence over people, and book 2 shows us how easy it is to allow that influence to consume you.

By the time Voldemort comes into full power, I think Rowling has presented a wide range of bad guys. The Dursleys, Gilderoy Lockhart, Sirius Black, Lucius Malfoy, Peter Pettigrew, Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, Barty Crouch Jr., Cornelius Fudge... these are the bad guys. But even the worst bad guys have redeeming moments of love, friendship, and loyalty. One of my favorite moments in the series is in book 7, when Voldemort asks Narcissa to see if Harry Potter is alive. She lies. Not because she has any change of heart, but because she loves her son. As Sirius says in Order of the Phoenix, "the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters." He was talking about Dolores Umbridge, of course. A perfect example of how sometimes the very worst bad guys work for the "good" side.

There is no personification of good in the book. Lily Potter comes close. The power of her love goes head-to-head with the power of Voldemort, and I can't think of any character flaws. But besides Lily, all of the other good guys are just as imperfect as the bad guys. Even Dumbledore has his serious flaws and regrets, as we learn in book 7. The heroes of the book all have their less-than heroic moments: Ginny Weasley opens the chamber of secrets, James Potter severely bullies Snape, Remus Lupin nearly kills a bunch of people as a werewolf, Sirius Black almost causes Snape's death and is extremely cruel to his house elf, Ron Weasley abandons his friends in a fit of jealousy, and even Harry Potter gets so obsessed with the deathly hallows that his carelessness leads to the group's capture, Hermoine getting tortured, and Dobby getting killed. These aren't small mistakes, they are bad enough to make them the bad guys in small snapshots of the overall story.

One of the best things about Harry Potter, in my opinion, is that it blurs the line between good and evil. But it does it in a very subtle way. For the most part, you know the good guys and you know the bad guys. (Except for Snape, until the very end.) Voldemort is not a subtle or nuanced bad guy, but his affect on the bad guys and the good guys is subtle, ambiguous, and devastating. It's what drives the books. How do we deal with evil? What does it look like when we encounter it? Can we recognize it? Can we recognize it in ourselves?

(p.s. In Chad's defense, he's only judging Harry Potter by the movies. I'm sure if he read the books, he'd be totes bees.)

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

2010-08-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

Holy cow two posts in one day. After 20 days of no posts even. It's almost like I'm avoiding something I don't like doing... but I can't imagine what that would be, in the middle of a rainy Monday morning.

Movie review time! I saw Scott Pilgrim vs. the World on Saturday. I wanted to see this movie two weeks ago, but a return appearance of Tubes! (Jill's arch-nemesis) foiled those plans. SPOILERS AHEAD. BE YE WARNED.

The best part of this movie was Michael Cera's whiny pouting. And I even thought I was starting to get sick of him. I was wrong! He has emo-whiny pouting down to an art. I am trying to perfect his delivery of "but...it's haaaard," slouching halfway down a chair, wallowing in my own abject despair, complaining about my non-problems. I wallow in abject despair at my own non-problems ALL THE TIME, so it's very useful to learn how to do it properly. Today I've already used this new skill to whine about the following things: you can't seem to find long straight skirts at stores anymore, I'm not wearing a giant sombrero, people can see my face, Harry Potter isn't real and I'm not magic, I have a headache, people keep talking to me, it's not raining, it's raining, and the expectation from society that I take a shower every single day. These are very serious non-problems and I'm glad this movie has shown me how to effectively complain about them.

The worst part of this movie was the choice at the end. Scott has to choose between Knives and Ramona, and I don't know enough about why he liked either girl to really care much about which one he chose. But I still felt like he was picking the wrong girl, at least according to the movie. The most recent fight scene seemed to be saying that Scott and Knives were the best team, but then he goes off with Ramona? Like I said, I don't know enough about why Scott even liked Knives (other than the fact that she looked like an anime character... and I guess anime characters are hawt?) to care that he didn't chose her, but it did feel like the movie itself was pulling the Knives to prevail. And I didn't buy that she suddenly didn't care if Scott left her for Ramona.

Overall, good movie. It was really fun to watch, and very funny throughout. But there was something missing with character development. I enjoyed watching the characters, but didn't care much about what happened to them.

Aw man. It's raining again, but not raining enough. *pout* Why can't I just get exactly what I want every moment of every day? Is that too much to ask? Why is life so hard?

How Jamie Learns About the World

2010-08-30T07:10:00.001-07:00

I've completely dropped the ball on those Monday Morning Memory memes. Big surprise to all of you who know me, I'm sure. Jill is especially disappointed, I'm guessing. So to make up for it, here are several short memories where I learn something new about the world. (And I promise, the titles of these stories may make you nervous, but you have absolutely nothing to worry about.)

Jamie Learns About Lesbians: Jill and I were riding her bike. Well, Jill was pumping and I was sitting on the seat, cracking a whip demanding she go faster. (Kidding! It was totally loving and tender. Maybe a little too loving and tender.) We pass some boy from school and he shouts at us "You guys are lesbians!" Not knowing what he was talking about, but sensing it was an insult, I yelled back, "So are you!"

Scene: Later that day, Jamie sitting in the kitchen with her mom.

Jamie: Mom, what's a lesbian?

Mom: You don't need to know that.

Jamie: [leaves the room to find the dictionary]

Jamie Learns About Masturbation: I'm about 11, trying to blend into the background while the grown-ups talk about things. The current grown-up topic: the Michael Jackson trial. Pretending to be invisible and eavesdropping on adult conversations was one of my favorite hobbies as a kid. This eavesdropping session the grown-ups used a new word, saying it in hushed tones while stealing furtive glances at the girl on the couch pretending not to be listening.

Scene: Later that day, Jamie sitting in the kitchen with her mom.

Jamie: Mom, what does masturbate mean?

Mom: You don't need to know that.

Jamie: [leaves the room to find the dictionary]

Jamie Learns About the "F-Word": It's the first day of 7th grade and a kid in the hall yells an unfamiliar word that starts with "f." I spin around and gasp in shock. (I think I may have pointed as well.) Could this be that "f-word" I've heard so much about?

Scene: Later that day, Jamie sitting in the kitchen with her mom.

Jamie: Mom, does the f-word rhyme with "duck?"

Mom: You don't need to know that.

Jamie: [leaves the room to find the dictionary]

Jamie Learns About Polygamy: In 7th grade (again), girls in the P.E. locker room joke about how one girl is a "lesbian polygamist." Thanks to my trusty sex-ed teacher (the dictionary), I know what a lesbian is, but I'm not sure about "polygamist." And I'm sure I've heard this word before.

Scene: Later that day, Jamie sitting in the kitchen with her mom.

Jamie: Mom, what's a polygamist?

Mom: You don't need to know that.

Jamie: [leaves the room to find the dictionary]

The dictionary was useful only about half of the time, and I'm very glad I didn't have the internet as a child. "Dictionary" would be replaced with "google" and even though I thought I wanted to know everything, there were some things I really didn't need to know. Some of those ages and dates are a little embarrassing to admit, but "embarrassing to admit" could be the title of a movie based on my entire pre-teen/teen life. When you are the oldest kid in a sheltered Mormon home, growing up with mostly Mormon friends, some things just take a little longer to figure out.

I just wrote a book

2010-08-10T08:31:00.001-07:00

In less than five minutes. Well, the premise to a book, but with a premise this strong, the book pretty much writes itself. Here it is, tell me what you think. (Be honest, but only if you think it's awesome.)

In a neo-noir one-way spaceflight, a young techno-obsessed geek stumbles across a time-traveling soldier which spurs him into conflict with a profit-obsessed corporation, with the help of a shape-shifting female assassin and her reference book, culminating in wish-fulfillment solutions to real-world problems.

You can write one too. Just go here. Or if you are really lazy and less concerned about the details of your book, go here. My favorite bad guy? Computer viruses made real. I don't know why, but that sounds like the coolest villain ever. How did they get real? What do they look like? What happens when they infect humans? (I didn't pick it for my story because I have an artistic hyphenated-word theme going on. It's a metaphor for the way the characters feel about each other, or something.)

Deep Blue

2010-08-04T20:43:00.000-07:00

I walk in the cemetery, minutes after sunset. I watch the lightning over the Salt Lake Valley. The city lights slowly brighten as the wild sky darkens. It’s not a picturesque rolling thunder storm, with majestic hues of deep blue and purple. It’s the color of a massive bruise. Like the one that covered half of my thigh the entire summer of 1994, after the fall down the water slide. Brown and black with a fleshy orange undertone from the lingering sunlight. Lightning flashes in quick bursts, behind the Wasatch mountains, above the ball park, over the lake. I hear no thunder over the pulsing bass of the The Suburbs.

I open a new google doc, to write this all down before I take a shower. I read last night’s document, my scripture journal, where I wrote about doubt and fear and starting on a new spiritual path. I re-read my self-assigned study topic from last night: to re-read the reaction of King Benjamin’s people after his prophetic address and ponder on my reaction to the “fear of the Lord [that] had come upon them.” Nine years ago my reaction to those verses had triggered my first true conversion to religion. I re-read it today and wonder what’s it like to know something wild or to truly feel fear.

Best. Story. Ever.

2010-08-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

My sister decorated her room this weekend, and hung a Harry Potter "Platform 9 3/4" sign just outside her door.

A sign just like this.

Now, we all know I like Harry Potter and I also like to be silly. (No, I didn't mean to type "annoying." I meant silly, as in awesome and hilarious.) So upon seeing this sign, I thought it would be funny to run right into Jill's door, as if I was trying to catch the Hogwarts Express. For those that don't understand (A) Harry Potter or (B) my particular brand of high-brow humor, let me explain why this was going to be funny. Regarding point A: To catch the Hogwarts Express, young witches and wizards must run straight into the wall 3/4 of the distance between platform 9 and platform 10. Regarding point B: Jill really hates when I burst into her room, and is easily startled by loud noises. Also, people running into things is funny.

Let's recap: Jill hung up a new sign. She is in the room with her door closed, and hates sudden intrusions and loud noises. I see the sign and plan to run into her door.

Remember, it looks like this.

You know when you are telling a funny story, and you get so caught up in the build-up that you yourself almost forget the ending? And then, you have that moment where you remember the ending, and get this sinking realization that compared to all that build up, the ending is pretty lame? That's it's not so much a story as it is a twitter update? And not even a good, Kanye twitter update, but a regular boring twitter update that only your mom might reply to? And even then, she's not even replying to the twitter update as much as she just doesn't quite understand twitter and is just asking you to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home?

So I run into the door, and it being a crappy door, it does not hold my weight. Also, I don't think it was even closed all the way. I fall into Jill's room, running into piles of her stuff, and land face down on the carpet. She is furious and wants an explanation. I told her I was trying to see if I was a witch, and obviously my test had failed. I was in Jill's room getting yelled at, not on a train heading towards adventures that would surely be chronicled in the best-selling "Jamie Saunders and the Fairly Uneventful but Nonetheless Personally Fulfilling Year at Wizard School." Jill ended up thinking I was funny (as usual), and I walked back into my boring muggle room, my pride and face only slightly bruised.

But then I thought about it later. I DID make it through the wall, into another room. So results: inconclusive. The End. (Or is it?)

You should read my sister's blog

2010-07-30T13:09:00.000-07:00

Especially the most recent post. Here's the link to her blog.

Inception

2010-07-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

I saw this on opening day and have been mulling over my response to it. I've read a large variety of reactions to the movie. Some think it's the best movie ever and several internet-crazy fandoms (are there any other kind?) dedicated to this movie and its characters have sprung up over night. Some feel an overwhelming desire to notify everyone to the movie's mediocrity and document, in detail, their profound personal disappointment. I have difficulty figuring out my own opinion in the face of such conflicting impassioned opinions.

It's an excellent summer action movie, but even that doesn't quite describe it. Either (1) action movies have become so crappy and lame that when we get a genuinely good action movie, it feels like the best movie ever; or (2) it isn't accurate to describe this as an "action" movie, it's really more of a "thriller." (See, according to my arbitrary movie classification rules, thrillers can be and often are much better than action movies. Action movies = chick flick. Thriller = serious drama.) I'm leaning towards option 1. I think the backlash to the film was that it was advertised as a mind-bending thriller, when really it's a well-made movie with excellent action sequences, an original plot and good acting. Nothing was particularly mind-bending, and very little was emotionally involving.

This conclusion doesn't mean I didn't like it. I liked it a lot, actually. And I can recognize that it has that mysterious element that makes a movie, book, or comic book so much more susceptible to fan hysteria. Twilight has it. Harry Potter has it. The Matrix has it. Maybe it's the fantasy element? Thinking about it now, maybe it's the promise an alternate reality existing right in our backyard. All we have to do is fall asleep (or wake up, or get an owl-delivered letter, or make eye-contact with the hot vampire in the cafeteria), and endless possibilities are open to us.

I feel like I'm rambling aimlessly, so here's a list of things I particularly liked, and a few things I didn't. (Warning: Spoilers ahead!)

Liked:

The movie elicits audience participation, it leaves a little room for debate. The ending with top just starting to wobble was great.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt and that entire no-gravity fight sequence.
I liked the time difference between dream levels.
Tom Hardy. Who is he and why has he not been in more movies?
This movie is not a remake, prequel, adaptation, or sequel. It's actually a unique story, and an interesting one.
The movie expects you to pay attention. It doesn't recap or dumb down. If they've said it once, they're done and moving on.
The movie was complex, but not too twisty. No sudden shockers that make you re-evaluate everything you've seen already. I like twists, but in a movie this complex, I appreciated that it was fairly straight-forward. (Though I did spend the entire movie trying to predict how the rug was going to be pulled out from under me. Was Cobb the one really being inceptioned? Was the entire heist an elaborate hoax to steal something from Cobb's mind?)

Didn't like:

The snow action scene. Skiing and guns? Meh.
The reason for the inception felt kind of weak. I get why Leonardo DiCaprio went through with it, but all of those other people? To prevent an energy monopoly? Lame.
The characters were all pretty flat. Even Leo. This is the second movie in a row that he's been grieving a dead wife. Speaking of which, out of the five Chris Nolan movies I've seen, four have the main character grieving over a dead love interest. Memento, The Prestige, The Dark Knight, and now Inception. (Five out of five if you count Bruce Wayne grieving over the loss of his parents, in Batman Begins.) If I were Chris Nolan's wife, I'd be slightly concerned.
There were a few logic fails that I haven't been able to reconcile. In dream level 1 (the city in the rain), the fall into the water is enough of a kick, but the van flipping over isn't? Shouldn't Joseph Gordon-Levitt at least wake up at that point? If no gravity in dream level 1 means no gravity in dream level 2 (hotel), then how is there gravity in all the deeper levels? It's not as if there really was no gravity; they were in the airplane the entire time and were just dreaming that there was no gravity. None of these were really enough to take me out of the story, but when I'm discussing it afterward (as this movie demands that you do), I prefer a movie where everything makes sense, no matter how complicated the story.

I always underestimate how incredibly fun a great action movie can be. I really enjoyed watching this movie. I felt the same way leaving the theater after watching the most recent James Bond movies. It was an exhilarating ride that was immensely entertaining. I look forward to seeing it again.

Movie Review Catch-up

2010-07-09T07:07:00.000-07:00

Toy Story 3 - The Incredibles is my most favorite pixar movie, but The Toy Story Saga (shut up, Twilight, you don't own that word) is a very close second. Mr. Tortilla Head was hilarious and creepy. (What is the essence of a person, really? Is he just a collection of parts? Would he exist if just one detachable body part remained? Can Mr. Potato Head really be Mr. Potato Head without the potato?) This movie is just as good as the other two.

Twilight: Eclipse - So hey, I actually kinda liked this one. Where has Jasper been all this time? He needs his own movie. And no Edward flashback? Boo. About that engagement ring: Jill knew a woman that was Stephenie Meyer's cousin's wife (or something) who made wedding rings that she claimed Stephenie Meyer approved as the "official" Bella engagement ring. It looked nothing like that giant sparkly egg. The woman Jill knew had to stop making them, by order of Stephenie's lawyers. Producing and selling that ring were her and her husband's primary source of income. Seeing an ad for Bella's "official" engagement ring made me wonder how awkward those family reunions must be. Would that woman's customers all demand refunds? Has she gone bankrupt? It made me wonder what it really does to a family to have someone become extremely famous. How many extended relatives expect to leach off of your success? What is your obligation to a distant relative who makes a living off of your work?

Back to the movie, it was entertaining and not nearly as cringe-inducing as I anticipated. It was also much better than Last Airbender.

The Last Airbender - This movie got beat up pretty bad by critics, but it's not as bad as they say it is. It's not good, but I was entertained and somewhat intrigued. The acting was Star Wars: Episode 1-3 level bad, but the story is interesting. I hadn't watched the cartoon before, so I could easily get distracted by plot. And I don't know why the critics are calling the movie "ugly"... I thought it was very pretty. But then they probably had to watch it in 3D and this was yet another movie that outsourced their 3D after the movie was finished. Quit doing that Hollywood! No one wants to pay MORE money for an uglier movie. If you see this, definitely see it in 2D.

Summer at Grammy's House

2010-06-28T07:11:00.000-07:00

As young as I can remember, and until I went to college, I spent every summer vacation at my grandparent's house in Meridian, Idaho. Their house and farm was this amazing oasis of that quintessential kid-summer that you read about in YA books. There was a pond with a row boat, a lake house (a tree house on a stilts built by my dad and his brothers), and a rope swing hanging from a tree. There was a giant grassy hill, an extremely dangerous trampoline, a basketball hoop, a pool, a creepy tool shed with more bees than tools, an abandoned cow barn, a fire pit, a tractor my grandpa let us drive around the property, a room full of power saws and wood scraps (the shop for their custom picture framing business), kitties that lived under the porch, a maze of irrigation ditches, a cornfield, and a room with guns in the corner and a deer head hanging on the wall (my grandpa's library). Now that I think about it, it's amazing that all of us (20 cousins) came out of those summers unscathed.

There is one distinct memory I have of swimming in the pool (not wearing socks). I must have been young, because I hadn't learned to swim yet. But I was in the deep end, on a giant inflatable lobster, in a group of cousins and uncles. There were a bunch of big inflatable animals with handles, each with it's own rider, clustered together in a giant squeaky clump in the middle of the deep end of the pool. We were all splashing around, kicking water up at each other, rocking back and forth on our animals, when I suddenly slipped off into the water. I remember I wasn't at all scared, which was unusual since I was usually afraid of everything. Going down the slide, standing next to a horsefly, getting water up my nose, the usual things that terrify an awkward child. But when I slipped into the water, I was totally calm. I remember looking up and watching all of the kicking feet, spraying tiny bubbles that spread like roots. I remember seeing the distorted blobs of color from the inflatable animals - red and black and blue - blocking out the sun. I remember thinking it was so quiet. The moment before felt like a long time ago, with all the shrieking and splashing and the hot sun. I think I was only under for a couple of seconds before one of my uncles grabbed my shoulder and lifted me up and back onto my lobster. And another second of private stunned silence before I was back to kicking water in my cousin's face.

My grandparents turned the farm into a subdivision, sold all the lots, and moved to Utah about 7 years ago. So the house only lives in memory, but they are very vividly happy memories that surface at the smallest triggers. A whiff of chlorine, walking barefoot on hot cement, a side walk by a row of rose bushes, or the sound of a sliding glass door opening. I sometimes wonder what I'd think about the house if I could go see it now.

Monday Morning Memory: 2nd Grade Trauma

2010-06-21T11:38:00.000-07:00

For this Monday Morning Memory, I will recount my most traumatic memory from second grade, possibly from all of elementary school. Like most of my pre-adult traumas, the entire situation is blown out of proportion and largely my own fault. My teacher was Mrs. Noonan. My mom had written a note to excuse me from gym class - I had a little bit of a sore throat and a lotta bit of not wanting to do whatever activity was going on that day in gym class. I gave the note to Mrs. Noonan and she told me to remind her about it as we left for P.E., because she'd probably forget. We line up for P.E., and Mrs. Noonan seems to have forgotten. Here's my big moment. I'm standing in line, desperately hoping Mrs. Noonan remembers, knowing that I'm supposed to speak up and remind her. Anything involving "speaking up" was not possible for me at eight years old. So I walk to the gym with my class, knowing that the P.E. teacher (Mrs. Sychee) is expecting me to participate.

During that long walk to the gym, I grow increasingly anxious over my situation. What if Mrs. Sychee realizes I'm not in my gym shoes!? (Unlike my non-gym sneakers, my gym shoes had WHITE laces.) If I just participate, what if Mrs. Noonan realizes she forgot the note? She'll think I wasn't really sick! If I tell Mrs. Sychee the situation, she'll wonder why I didn't remind Mrs. Noonan. If I just say nothing, I'll have to participate in P.E. today! With a small sore throat!

We finally get to the gym and I have a fool-proof plan. See yesterday, one of the girls in the class had to sit out because she twisted her ankle. All I have to do is tell Mrs. Sychee that I hurt my leg (obviously I couldn't say ankle because that would be too obvious), and she'll let me sit out. I don't know why or how, but I was confident that would solve all of my problems.

Turns out saying "my leg hurts and I need to sit out" gets me sent to the nurse's office. Panic begins to set in. I try desperately to come up with some story to get me out of this mess, but by the time I get to the nurse's office, I just burst into tears. I confess everything. I'm sure I make no sense (how do you describe that problem in a way that makes sense?), and the nurse walks me back to my classroom to hand me off to Mrs. Noonan. Exasperated, she asks me why I didn't just remind her? Mrs. Sychee wants to know why I didn't just explain the situation? For the rest of the day, my answer to any question is to simply burst into tears. (This becomes my default coping mechanism for most elementary school "problems." Like that time I forgot my math book. Or the time my book order was delayed. And that time I didn't finish coloring in my worksheet.) Most traumatic day ever.

New Music: Albums

2010-06-20T15:43:00.000-07:00

Enjoy some new (to me) music from albums I've recently purchased.

"Bloodbuzz Ohio"
from High Violet, by The National

"Dancing in a Minefield"
from Pins and Panzers, by Plushgun

"Wide Eyes"
from Gorilla Manor, by Local Natives

"Love Like a Sunset II"
from Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, by Phoenix

"Just Listen"
from Sirens of the Sea, by OceanLab

Prince of Persia and Karate Kid

2010-06-17T06:40:00.000-07:00

I need to catch up on my movie reviews before I see Toy Story 3. (Yay! Toy Story 3!)

Prince of Persia - Imagine Pirates of the Caribbean without Johnny Depp. Sure, Jake Gyllenhaal is great (as is Orlando Bloom). But a movie like this really really needs a Johnny Depp (if not the Johnny Depp).Unsolicited spoilery feminist critique: Besides spectacularly failing the Bechdal-Wallace rule, any epiphany, experience, or character growth is stolen away from the only female character by the end of movie. Jake Gyllenhaal sands-of-times back to the beginning of the movie, and it ends with an arranged marriage planned between him and the only woman in all of Persia. The entire movie was spent showing that woman getting over her initial dislike and slowly falling in love with him. But none of that matters. She gets to marry a total stranger. Apparently, all that matters is that the man knows they were in love.

The Karate Kid - I have much less to say about this movie. It was predictable but cute. A tiny bit too long, but I enjoyed watching it.

Monday Morning Memory

2010-06-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

Since I so enjoyed the little trip down memory lane regarding socks in the pool, I thought I'd share another random memory. Maybe I'll make it a thing: every Monday morning, post a random memory.

In 10th grade creative writing, I wrote a poem about a homeless man dying on a bench one winter morning. It was called "All But One." Every stanza ended with "all but one." It was fancy literary device, and I was quite proud out it. The last stanza told about how everyone woke up from their warm beds that morning. All but one. My friends thought it was so awesome, it made them all cry, and they demanded my teacher read it immediately. The next day, our lesson in creative writing was about avoiding sentimentality in writing. He urged us, at this stage of our writing at least, to avoid topics like dead babies, car accidents, and homeless people. The message didn't fully take, in high school I wrote stories about a girl's mom who had an affair then died, an old woman who sat alone in a sad corner forgotten by her family, and two kids who almost died as a direct result of defacing a haunted tree. But I have never written another poem or story about a homeless man.

Jellies

2010-06-13T22:55:00.001-07:00

Remember jellies? Apparently, they are back in.

The pink ones were always the best, followed closely by clear.

Of all the silly clothes from my childhood, I'd have never guessed these would be back in. Jellies were my official pool shoes. Now, I realize that most people do not wear shoes in the pool. But my mom was weird. She insisted we not go bare-foot in the pool, lest we blister up our feet on the rough cement pool floor. My grandma's house in Idaho had a pool, and every summer vacation was spent there. So every summer, it was it was either socks in the pool, or jellies. For a few summers, we actually did have to wear socks, because our other shoe options were not waterproof. (But socks are?) Try swimming in a pair of socks. It doesn't work. The socks do not want to be worn in pool, so they will slowly roll off of your foot. Socks, you see, are reasonable. They realize it is ridiculous to be worn in the pool. Or maybe they think they're in the washing machine and are obeying their natural instinct to separate and be lost forever. Or maybe they have no human qualities at all. We'll never know. What I do know is that jellies were the far superior footwear for swimming.

The Joneses: Movie Review

2010-05-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

Who can resist a movie where David Duchovny is being adorable?

This movie was just okay. The premise is that four salespeople pose as a family in an affluent neighborhood and "self-market" specific products. The movie set-up some really interesting discussion topics, but didn't really push the ideas far enough. The movie ended up turning into a basic "will they get together" plot, which was disappointing.

There were a couple of ideas I wish the movie had explored further. (Major spoilers ahead.)

David Duchovny's character (Steve) spends a lot of his energy marketing all of his new toys to his next door neighbor. Steve doesn't know that the neighbor is already in severe debt and can't afford to buy a rider lawn mower with a television attached. So the neighbor gets increasingly discouraged trying to keep up with Steve Jones and his infinite ability to buy expensive things. The neighbor refuses to talk to his wife about it, and eventually drives his fancy lawn mower into the pool and kills himself. A similar thing happens with the son's friend. She gets in a car accident after leaving a party drunk on the wine juice packs the son was trying to market.

The movie suggests that the suicide and the car accident are The Jones's fault. I think the whole idea of self-marketing is at best morally questionable, but what about personal responsibility? Whose fault is it really that people buy more than they can afford? Or succumb to peer pressure and get too drunk to drive? There's no discussion in the movie, it's the Jones's fault.

Another idea I liked was about living an authentic life. If you buy all the props of success and happiness, does that make you successful and happy? How much of our identity is defined by the things we buy? The Joneses aren't a real family biologically, but they end up coming together and functioning like a real family by the end. If you pretend something is real for long enough, does that make it real? Like the other idea, the movie just hints at this idea, but doesn't really delve into it enough to say anything interesting.

Even though the tone and style are completely different, this movie reminded me of the tv series Mad Men. Mad Men explores the ideas above, but in a much subtler and more powerful way. I think what ultimately disappointed me about this movie was that it had so much potential, but it couldn't rise to the challenge and deliver.

Also, the movie seemed to think its audience didn't know the premise going in. The premise that this was a fake family was clearly spelled out by the trailers, but they wasted the first quarter of the movie trying to freak the audience out, assuming they'd think it was a real family. Creepy things... like having the daughter hit on the dad. If I didn't know the premise going in, it would have been incredibly disturbing.

View the trailer on YouTube.

P.S. I did see Iron Man 2, but I'm really not going to review it. I enjoyed it, but it's exactly what you think it will be. I'm longing for a really good movie that exceeds expectations. I'm looking forward to Prince of Persia, Inception, and The Last Airbender (formally known as Avatar).

I need a Cheering Charm

2010-05-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

I saw Iron Man 2, but I don't feel like reviewing it. The Survivor season finished, but I don't feel like talking about it. Everyone around me is still obnoxious, but I'm not in the mood to properly mock it. I told Jill the other day that it feels like there are dementors roaming around lately and she reminded me that I am a huge Harry Potter nerd.

Other things I have said to Jill that indicate my Harry Potter nerdism:

[While on a moving walkway at the airport] "I like to walk on these and imagine someone is watching me on a Marauder's map thinking 'how is she moving so fast?!'"
[After a particularly great day or event.] "That was almost Patronus-level good."
"Accio remote!" (This hasn't worked. Yet.)
"Imagine he's a boggart and mentally Riddikulus him into something hilarious." (As a way to get through an excruciatingly boring meeting with a particularly obnoxious presenter. My favorite Riddikulus charm turns them into a Survivor contestant, crouching in the bushes giving a heart-felt confessional.)
"If I were wearing a horcrux, I'd probably quit my job over this. I just need to take a xanax. It's no sword of Gryffindor, but it'll have to do."

Ok, so that last one is a bit emo. I blame the demetors! Maybe I need to eat more chocolate.

Please Let Me Differ!!!

2010-05-03T14:23:00.001-07:00

During our daily heavily-work-related chats, Jill said the following: "(2:58 PM) Jill: a chart or table isn't always the best way to organize information." I beg to differ. Note my previous blog entry. Now note these lovely graphs:

How is that NOT a better way to relay information?

eta: Best graph ever, btw. srsly.

Things that are annoying me today

2010-04-30T10:00:00.001-07:00

People who tell multiple stories about boats.
People who spend more than one minute talking about how much they like okra.
People who need special water.
People who talk to animals in a baby voice.
People who point to the snow in April and say, "Let's call Al Gore and tell him about our so-called global warming."
People who get into an intense physical fight over an immunity idol clue, and then turn to the bored man on the bed watching Treasure Island to settle the dispute.
People who comment on my facial expression. (You should smile more! You look bored out of your mind! You look about ready to fall asleep! You look about ready to punch me in the face!)
People who work with me.
People who stand next to me.

...I think that covers it.

800 miles later

2010-04-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

I was in Vegas for a few days (celebrating Jill's golden birthday - she turned 27 on the 27th), but I'm too lazy to blog about it. So you can read about Day 1 and Day 2 at Jill's blog. There are pictures! Day 3 was meant to be the chill-by-the-pool-all-day day, but the crazy wind turned it into watch-law-and-order-marathon-in-the-hotel day. Yes, that's lame, but it's still better than work!

Subject weird

2010-04-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

I know... I haven't posted in forever. I have nothing to say, but I did just get an email from my mom. This is always a random highlight at work for me. My mom is weird (aren't all moms?), and her sudden email epiphanies are always very enjoyable for me.

From: Jamie's mom
Sent: Friday, April 23, 2010 11:35 AM
To: Jamie
Subject: weird
I think it's weird that today is my 29th anniversary and I forgot about it. MOM

From: Jamie's mom
Sent: Wednesday, April 21, 2010 11:32 AM
To: Jamie; Jill; Carly; Caitlin
Subject: Fwd: Jill's Birthday
I wasn't sure if Grammy send this you all of you. MOM

----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Jamie's Grammy
To: Jamie; Jill; Carly; Caitlin; Jamie's mom
Sent: Wednesday, April 21, 2010 10:13:18 AM
Subject: Jill's Birthday

From: Jamie's mom
Sent: Wednesday, January 27, 2010 12:17 PM
To: Jamie
Subject: unbelievable
Guess what happened to me on my walk today???A FRICKIN BIRD FLEW RIGHT INTO MY HEAD!!! Creepy. MOM

From: Jamie's mom
Sent: Monday, January 25, 2010 12:24 PM
To: Jamie
Subject: your water color pics
Jame-Do you have any idea where I put your watercolor pictures you painted that used to be on the dining room table? MOM

That last one is my favorite. I haven't been home for over a month, but she still believes I'd know where she put something. Because I created it. Over ten years ago. I also like to imagine her shouting her name after relaying the urgent message.

Crisis of Twitter

2010-04-12T13:54:00.001-07:00

Who do I believe? The church or Wil Wheaton? WHY would twitter make me choose?

My eleven-year-old self may have been in love with you Ensign Crusher, but I think I'll have to go with my religion. Despite its unimpressive, over-generalized proof. *gulps down third can of Dr. Pepper*

Universal concerns

2010-04-08T06:28:00.001-07:00

Comments made by co-workers this morning, as we watch the sunrise through the windows:

"Man, the earth must be rotating fast today."

"If we are rotating like this [holds finger straight up and moves it in a circle, left to right]... then why do we see the sun go over our head?"

[After being told through twirling charades and whiteboard diagrams that the earth is not only spinning, it's spinning on a tilted axis as it circles the sun.] "I still don't quite get it. I'll have to think about it."

Get ready people. We are on the brink of new discoveries about our universe.

Sometimes I read books

2010-04-04T21:41:00.001-07:00

Along with my movie reviews and my semi-frequent Survivor recaps, I figured it wouldn't hurt to throw in a few book reviews. I read a lot less often than I should, but I do manage to tear myself away from the television/computer/movie screens long enough to read some books. Here are reviews for the last two book I read. Book reviews will not have serious spoilers.

A Wizard of Earthsea, by Ursula K. LeGuin
I can usually categorize most fantasy into two groups: plot-driven fantasy and character-driven fantasy. All novels have elements of both, but fantasy novels seem to be dominated by one or the other. I prefer character-driven fantasy. I'd consider Harry Potter to be character-driven. Plot is certainly a key element, but the main draw is the investment you have in the characters. I'd consider Lord of the Rings to be plot-driven. It certainly has memorable characters, but the reader feels somewhat removed from them. The draw is the adventure, or the quest. For all books, not just fantasy, I much prefer character-driven stories. A Wizard of Earthsea is a book that I'd consider to be plot-driven. It wasn't ever hard to put the book down (which means it took me forever to finish it), and there were some action sequences that felt especially long. But in all the books I've read by Ursula LeGuin, there are potent moments, images and ideas that make the long action scenes totally worth it. Here's an example of one of those moments. The main character, Ged, has performed a spell that nearly killed him. The people nearby take him to his home, where he lies unconscious. He finally wakes up when his pet otak (a little squirrel-like animal) licks the wounds on his face.

"Later, when Ged thought back upon that night, he knew that had none touched him when he lay thus spirit-lost, had none called him back in some way, he might have been lost for good. It was only the dumb instinctive wisdom of the beast who licks his hurt companion to comfort him, and yet in that wisdom Ged saw something akin to his own power, something that went as deep as wizardry. From that time forth he believed that the wise man is one who never sets himself apart from other living things whether they have speech or not, and in later years he strove long to learn what can be learned, in silence, from the eyes of animals, the flight of birds, the great slow gestures of trees."

It's just a small relatively-inconsequential paragraph in the novel, but it contains a sudden exquisite moment of insight that will stay will me for a long time. So although the novel was somewhat slow reading, I enjoyed it and look forward to reading the sequel.

A Mercy, by Toni Morrison
This is one of the best books I've ever read, and gets pretty close to being a favorite. (Though I can't imagine book will surpass Mama Day by Gloria Naylor, this one is certainly close.) This book is also a little hard to get into, because Morrison plunges you right into the end of the story, then slowly builds back up to that point. The story is set in the 1600's in colonial America, and follows several characters that are all slaves, literally or figuratively. The main characters are also all orphans; some violently uprooted from their communities, some cast away by their own families. They are trying to survive alone in a new world. The book explores slavery, motherhood, and what it means to be cut off from your roots. Even though it is difficult to get into initially, once you're a couple of chapters in, you are immersed in the world and fascinated by the characters. The end is heart-breaking and haunting. As I tried to fall asleep after reading it, I kept having imaginary conversations with my mom in my head. A Mercy is a beautifully written book, and I'm sure I will read it again many times.

Coming soon... I started reading The Last Days of Dogtown by Anita Diamant, but was severely disappointed by it. I tried to push through, to give the book a chance (even though it had a description of someone's "winking nipples"), but I had to give up when one chapter was told from the point of view of a dog. There's only so much I can take. I really liked The Red Tent, also by Anita Diamant, so I was disappointed that this book wasn't very good. I have quite a few books on my "to read" list, but I'm not sure where to go next. I have the Earthsea sequel, a couple of recommended YA books, and some thrillers by Jill's favorite authors. I am also always open to suggestions, if you have a good book recommendation.

How to Train Your Dragon

2010-03-29T05:43:00.000-07:00

No spoilers in this post.

I saw this in 2D. While I don't like paying more for 3D or wearing glasses for an entire 3D movie, there is something I do like about 3D. When a movie is designed in 3D, it feels like they pay more attention to movement. So even in 2D, the movie feels more exhilarating. This was definitely true in How to Train Your Dragon. This was a fantastic movie, probably the best one I've seen all year so far. The characters are endearing and you become invested in them right away. The plot is fairly conventional, but there were a few developments that I didn't expect. The best part of the movie are the emotional moments. Because you care about the characters and because the film is beautifully crafted, the moments of discovery or insight or betrayal are very compelling and powerful. I highly recommend this movie.

Ramona Quimby

2010-03-23T18:53:00.001-07:00

They are making a movie based on the Ramona books. These are the first books I remember reading, ever. I wanted SO BADLY to be Ramona Quimby. In elementary school, my friends always told me I looked just like her, but I knew I was nowhere near that cool.

Things I remember from the books: Ramona turned the letter "Q" from "Quimby" into a cat. I tried to figure out a cute picture for the letter "S" from "Saunders" but snakes are not as cute as cats. I remember the part where her mom told her to leave for school at a "quarter after" the hour, and Ramona figured that must mean 25 minutes after, because a quarter is 25 cents. I remember her friend, the blonde boy with the curly hair. (Howie!) More than anything, I remember Ramona's frequent frustration with the world around her, and her desperate need to understand it and be accepted by it. When I read stories, more than anything, I read for character. Ramona Quimby was the first character I remember making friends with. I hope the movie does her justice.

Here's the trailer:

Health Care Story

2010-03-23T09:04:00.000-07:00

At work, among family and friends, and on the internet, I'm seeing a lot of opposition to the health care reform. (Mostly via facebook groups... I'm starting to suspect that most people don't realize that it doesn't matter how many people join the group, that group has ZERO power.) As people throw around talking points, cite select sections of the constitution, and get "clever" with portmanteaus involving Obama's name, I thought I'd add my concrete personal experience regarding health care. It isn't even really my story, it's my sisters' stories. I hope they don't mind, but I'm going to share their experiences with the health care system.

When Jill turned 26, she was working at a full-time job as a marketing writer. It was a pretty good job, but the company was new and small and did not provide insurance. At 26, Jill could no longer stay on my parent's insurance. She knew this, and had been preparing to find her own individual insurance plan. She tied up all lose ends with her medical record (an annoying task that took several doctor's appointments), and applied for individual insurance. Since she wanted to keep her doctor, she applied for IHC. She was denied. The reasons for denial were her pre-existing conditions, including: acne, depression, and fatigue. That's right, she was denied even the opportunity to purchase insurance because of acne. Jill planned to apply to another insurance company, but that first application process had taken eight weeks. Not being on insurance, Jill was unable to treat her depression. It's difficult to understand if you don't have depression, but it is very challenging to perform well at a job when you are battling depression. She started the application process for another company, but Jill was overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness. She desperately wanted insurance, was willing to pay for it, but was told she was not allowed to have it. Think about that: she was not allowed to purchase insurance because she needed it.

This story has a happy ending. The company Jill worked for closed, Jill got laid off, and I found her a new job where I work. A wonderfully responsible company that provides insurance to its employees on the day they are hired. She was again able to treat her depression and is a regularly medicated cubicle drone like the rest of us.

I know, pretty boring story. It's not anywhere near as scary as the horror stories I've read and heard concerning health care. But even that boring story showed me glimmers of how incredibly broken and disturbing our health care system was. Before this reform, you had to be careful what you went to your doctor for, because it would all be listed and tallied and used against you should you need to purchase your own insurance.

As Jill was applying for insurance, my other sister, Carly, was planning on getting married. That meant she'd be off of my parent's insurance. Carly and her fiance were both in school part time and working part time, which meant neither options provided them insurance. Like most of the women in my family, Carly also had been diagnosed with depression. Like most teenagers in the world, she also once had a prescription for acne. Based on Jill's experience, she seriously considered postponing her wedding because of insurance. She didn't, but she was denied the opportunity to purchase insurance, just like Jill was. She wanted to pay for it, and went through the entire application process, but they said no. Luckily for her, her husband soon started working full time at a responsible company that offered insurance.

I don't know enough about the Obama's plan to know if it's the best option, but I fully support any change to the horrid system we had before. I'm sure there will be plenty of no-good lazy welfare queens that will take advantage of the system. But I don't know any people like that. (Do you?) I only know hard-working people that wanted to pay for insurance, but weren't allowed that opportunity. I watched online and cheered as the House of Representatives voted to allow people like that, people like my sisters, the opportunity to live a healthy life.

A Very Important Rant

2010-03-17T06:19:00.000-07:00

St. Patrick's Day edition! Let me warn you: I'm really going to let my emo bitter contempt for humanity fly in this one. It's a rare peek into my intj brain, so if you'd like to take some pictures, go right ahead.

It is really pathetic to look around the office and see everyone wearing green. We all know that the hours spend in a cubical farm are bleak and joyless. Do we really need to all be wearing reminders of that fact? It's worse than Hawaiian shirt day. Hawaiian shirt day has at least gained a certain level of socially-accepted pathetic tragedy that only the truly deluded office workers even participate. St. Patrick's day has yet to get to that enviable point. So not only do I have to wake up before 6 am, take a shower, wear clean clothes, go to work, and sit at a desk for 9 hours pretending to care deeply about something I have no real investment in, I have to wear something green.

Then there are those that purposely don't wear green. The people that are so desperate for attention, yet so pathetically lacking of any interesting qualities that they need to engineer overly-contrived conversation starters to get people to even notice them. They don't even care that the forced attention is given through obvious contempt. Mere attention is validation enough. Being looked at and talked to is all these people need to feel valued by society, because their definition of "value" is so skewed by lonely years of social isolation. I don't care how many girls ignored you in high school, it is never okay to ask me anything about what I'm wearing. And I resent the stupid holiday that makes people think it is.

You know what the threat of pinching really is? It is the threat that a stranger will cross the boundaries of social-acceptability. If a stranger is allowed to pinch me, what else is he allowed to do? For one day, people who enjoy this kind of boundary-crossing physical contact get some sense of authority. What kind of sick culture celebrates this level of inappropriateness? It is not okay to dictate what I wear, it is not ok to talk to me about my clothes, and it is never EVER ok to touch me. I despise any holiday that tells you otherwise.

*Deep breath.*
I feel much better now.

Who is more tired?

2010-03-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

Jamie: I'm so tired I keep almost drooling. While sitting in my desk.
Jill: I'm so tired I snorted in the bathroom. Because I fell asleep.

You get to make the call again. Who is more tired?
A. Jamie
B. Jill
C. Who snorts while they're asleep?
D. Asleep is a cool word. More words should be constructed that way. I am asit. I am also atype. I bought a new good book, so I wish I were aread. I have an assignment to work on, so I should probably be awrite. I am clearly not awork.

Episode 5

2010-03-12T07:19:00.000-08:00

Survivor post again! This one is short. I propose that the entire game of Survivor be played with blindfolds from now on. Blindfolded reality contestants = hilarity.

You make the call: Beads?!

2010-03-10T14:01:00.000-08:00

Because we have no lives, this debate has been a topic of consternation over here at Stalling Headquarters. Perhaps you can help us solve it with another edition of You Make the Call.

Jill and some guy she knows are trying to make the exclamatory phrase "BEADS?!" happen. It's alleged meaning: "I am not on-board." It's origin:

That is not the entire clip. GOB continues to express his not-onboardness by proposing a bee enterprise of his own, as he angrily buzzes out of the room bragging that his buzz-ness will bring in the most "honey." (I looked for the whole clip online, but couldn't find it. It's very funny.)

The conflict: I propose that an exclamation of "BEES?!" more embodies someone who is not on-board. Jill insists that "BEADS?!" means not on-board. This has caused much confusion as we both insist on using our own new exclamatory statements and refuse to acknowledge any other possible meaning. See the following chat, where we each present our arguments. (Clearly, it is a busy day here at Stalling Headquarters.)

Jill: i'm bees with damonic laughing
Jamie: that's a shame. i was hoping you'd be on board.
Jill: BEES IS ON BOARD RAWR
Jamie: I'M BEES WITH BEES
Jill: GOOD
Jamie: beads then.
Jill: beads to what?
Jamie: the new, true definition of bees
Jill: why do you insist on doing things wrong?
Jamie: i hate doing things wrong. that's why i never do things wrong. no matter how much you want me to. BEES
Jill: I AM NOT EVEN SURE HOW YOU ARE USING IT ANYMORE
Jamie: see, there are no angry sounds associated with beads. and when you are not on board, you are angry. so bees = not on board. it allows the possibility of bzzzzing to further emphasize your not on boardness. beads?

[moment of contemplative silence]

Jamie: you want to disagree, don't you. and wouldn't it feel so good to get all BZZZZy about it?
Jill: no. he [GOB] is so outraged at beads. that it must represent outrage. AND HE IS NOT ON BOARD WITH BEADS. it is so simple. he says beads with such disdain
Jamie: he is bz'ing though. because his clinging to bees further illustrates his not onboardness. if he had ended it at "beads" he'd be on board
Jill: you are not right!! just becuase you want to buzz! doesn't make you right!!
Jamie: so by saying "beads" we are being the bizarro GOB, on board with everything and pleasant. beads are pleasant and hippy like. even celebratory in a marti gra environment. why would you celebrate not-onboardness? why would you celebrate war?
Jill: we aren't trying to be bizarro gob. we are quoting gob!
Jamie: but see.... gob is always the opposite.
Jill: JUST BECUASE I DON'T LIKE THE OLYMPICS DOESN'T MEAN I'M UNAMERICAN
Jamie: so the TRUE meaning of beads is onboard.
Jill: no. it is not
Jamie: if you want to be all ironic and funny about it and use it the GOB way, fine.
Jill: i insist on bees=on board and beads=not on board
Jamie: but still: i am right. beads = on board.
Jill: no you are not
Jamie: see, now you are just being irrational. you have no reasoning.
Jill: you were irrational long before this
Jamie: other than GOB thinks so, and that is anti-reasoning.
Jill: MY REASONING IS THAT'S HOW IT IS IN THE DAMN SHOW.
Jamie: in the show, GOB is wrong.
Jill: three people in the world use this. two think my way. one thinks your way. so. seeing as we live in a democracy
Jamie: the creator of the show clearly thinks my way, and he invented it. so.
Jill: he doesn't think your way. because your way is stupid
Jamie: when is GOB ever right?
Jill: and the creator of the show is not stupid
Jamie: GOB is always the opposite. he is always wrong. your way is GOB's way. how can you not see that?
Jill: how can you not want to say beads with as much disdain as gob does?

[another moment of contemplative silence.]

Jamie: that... has nothing to do with right and wrong.
Jill: i don't see how this is a moral issue
Jamie: like i said, you can still say beads when you mean not on board. but that true meaning is that you are not on board with something that is true. something that you most logically should be on board with. like you and the true meaning of beads.
Jill: the true meaning of beads. you are crazypants

So you make the call:
What means "I'm not on board!"
A. Beads, clearly
B. Bees, obviously
C. Who or what is GOB?
D. Um... you are crazypants. And should maybe go outside more often.

Alice in Wonderland

2010-03-09T12:41:00.000-08:00

I saw this yesterday, in regular-old 2-D. I have been very unimpressed with 3-D, but then the only movies I've tried in 3-D were Up and Creature from the Black Lagoon. And that second one was the old red/blue glasses type 3-D, so maybe I should give it another shot sometime. Maybe with Clash of the Titans. So, this movie. I was really excited for it, then saw the luke-warm reviews, but had already bought tickets, and went in thinking it'd be kind of meh. I've realized with movies that expectations play a very large role in my enjoyment of the movie. If I see a movie because I'm bored and it was the only one that I thought I could stand (Push, Percy Jackson), or if I have no idea about the movie but am with someone that really really wants to see it (Quantum Solace, Slumdog Millionaire), then I usually really like the movie.

All of that set-up and still not to the actual movie. [Spoilers ahead.] I liked it. A lot more than I thought I would. But I get why people aren't liking it. It's weird, sometimes really weird, but that's expected. For all it's weirdness, it's still incredibly predictable. No plot points are surprising, and a few are so vague that they don't make sense. What exactly did the Red Queen do that was so bad? Blow stuff up and steal the crown? If the crown is so easily stolen, what power does it really even have? I couldn't help but feel a little sympathy for the Red Queen, even though it was clearly telegraphed that she was EVIL and supposed to lose. That tall creepy one-eyed Stayne was really intriguing, and I wanted to know more about where he came from. It seemed like a lot of the Underland kingdom was either "good" or "evil" depending on who was wearing the crown, but Stayne seemed to be an even more sinister evil than even the Queen of Hearts.

The movie has interesting implications (Victorian women trapped in the marriage path, becoming a different version of yourself), but never really figures out what it's saying with them. Alice takes an unexpected path in life, but isn't that really more a luxury of her class than a break-through for her gender? There's the dichotomy between the White Queen and the Red Queen: traditional delicate femininity, conventional beauty, and polite passiveness are considered good and worthy of love where the shouty, bossy, big-headed woman is banished to live a life with no companionship (not that she ever had any genuine companionship before). So that seems to work against the "woo! independent woman!" theme.

Overall: It's a very pretty eye-candy movie, predictable and a little unfocused, but not nearly as annoying as Avatar. I enjoyed watching it, and if you think you'll like it, you probably will.

Coming around again

2010-03-04T14:22:00.001-08:00

My birthday is next week, which always brings extra amounts of self-reflection. I remember one birthday, I think I was turning 21 or 22. I was in Provo, at BYU. Jill and I had planned to go to breakfast than a movie as celebration, but we decided last minute to skip the movie. Because of the last minute change, we ended up waiting at a bus stop right in front of the Utah Valley Hospital. It was around 11 am, and I realized, at that moment, that it was the exact time I was born. And I was only a few feet away from the place where I was born. This has happened more than once, where I find myself cycling back to places I'd been before, accidentally. The other accidental re-visits weren't as serendipitous as that birthday in Provo. After moving to my first apartment in Murray, I realized it was right across the street from the music store I bought all piano music for when I took and taught piano lessons. I got lost and accidentally drove by a house my family used to live in when I was trying to drive to work. This happened twice, with two different houses and two different work locations. (My family moved around a lot.) Some I didn't know until I was told. I shop at the same Smiths my great grandma used to shop at. I walk right by my great great grandma's grave marker almost every day in the cemetary. When I realized who that marker was for, I stopped and looked it over. Agnes Olson Thomas, born March 8. We both have the same birthday.

Today's lunch converation

2010-03-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

Jill and I are eating lunch, talking about a relative we'd just recently had dinner with.

Me: He's kinda weird to talk to. I feel like I'm being condescended to, even though I know I'm not.
Jill: [shrugs] I don't ever feel that way.
Me: I think it comes from him being shy. Which is funny, because I'm always worried I come off as being snotty and condescending when I'm just shy.
Jill: He has confidence in his opinions, always thinks he's right, plus he's shy. I can see how that can feel like condescension.
Me: [light bulb goes off in head] He's just like me!
Jill: Haha. He kind of is!
Me: No wonder people don't like talking to me.

Do you know anyone that is a lot like you? If you met another person that was exactly like you, do you think you'd be good friends? I think I would, but it that it would take a very long time to discover such a person. Even if we were around each other all the time.

The Lightning Thief and Oscar Nominated Shorts (And Bonus Basterds)

2010-03-02T09:05:00.000-08:00

I'm getting behind on my saw-it-in-the-theater movie reviews! As usual, there are spoilers.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief-
I have not read these books, so I went into the movie only knowing the basic premise: Harry Potter plus Greek mythology. I was not disappointed, this movie was a lot of fun and very entertaining. I have just enough knowledge about Greek mythology to have a bunch of fun "Oh! It's the lotus eaters!" moments, but not enough to get all well-I-never-nitpicky about inaccuracies. I'm kind of curious as to how Aphrodite has time to give birth to a full cheerleader's squad of daughters, though. I also don't understand why Percy's mom had to marry Mr. Stinky. And if she really had to marry someone stinky, were there really no nice stinky people? Heck, why doesn't SHE just get stinky? It's not hard: stop showering, eat lots of garlic, get several pet hamsters. People do it every day.

Oscar Nominated Shorts: Animated
My prediction is that Wallace and Gromit will win, but I hope it doesn't. 30 minutes is too long for a "short" film. These were not as good as last year.

Bonus: Inglorious Basterds
I didn't see this in the theater, because I wanted to be able to fast forward as needed. I rented this last weekend, and liked it a lot more than I thought I would. There's a relatively small amount of action, the most intense parts are the dialogue scenes. One slightly embarrassing tidbit: I didn't realize this was completely fictionalized. I mean completely completely. I knew it wasn't a true story, but I thought it was still going to fit in with actual historical events. So I kept waiting for the "Basterds" plot to be foiled, because we all know Hitler didn't die in a movie theater along with all the top officers of the Third Reich. So I was thoroughly surprised when they start pumping about 80 thousands bullets into Hitler's body and the building actually blows up. It's a cool concept. Tarantino imagined the war ending in a way that a film director would find the most awesome. More people should make movies like that.

Why I like Survivor

2010-03-01T07:04:00.001-08:00

From my last two posts, it may seem like Survivor annoys me. It's often sexist, some players are huge jerks, and it's rarely "fair." But what better mirror for our every day lives?

If a male executive and female executive are equally hard on their employees, guess who gets the "bitch" label? Along with whispered back talk of "why is she here so late, doesn't she have kids?" or "is a skirt with that high a hemline really professional?" Survivor equivalent: See previous post comparing Parvati and J.T. Or: "she swore she'd vote with me then lied (in a game of lying)? What a horrible mother/scout leader/Christian." Or: "how dare a woman try to form alliances while wearing a bikini (on a tropical island). Slut!"

If a VP makes six figures and gets four weeks of paid vacation, does that automatically mean he knows how to send an email? Or plug in a USB device? Of course not. Survivor equivalent: The winner is rarely the one who can start fire without flint, catch fish with his bare hands, or build a shelter out of twigs and coconut shells.

I admit, Survivor is just entertainment. But for me at least, it's fascinating entertainment. People "voluntarily marooned" on a desert island don't really act much differently than they do at work, home, or church. But when someone gets voted out every other day, and a million dollars are at stake? All of those passive aggressive grudges and prejudices quickly come right to the surface.

That girl is like a virus

2010-02-26T12:35:00.000-08:00

I realized last night that Parvati and J.T. are almost the exact same player. They both have excessive amounts of charisma, and use it to their advantage. They could both be very successful cult leaders. Upon meeting them, other players suddenly want to help them win. In J.T.'s original season, one player said "J.T. winning would be like me winning." In Parvati's second season, her alliance convinced one player to not use immunity and another player to hand over his immunity, right before voting them out. Both J.T. and Parvati joked about how stupid everyone was to believe them, and then successfully lied to them again. In those seasons, Parvati and J.T. won the million dollars.

In this season, Parvati is on the "villains" tribe and J.T. is on the "heroes" tribe. When men use charm and charisma to win Survivor, it's heroic and lauded as brilliant "strategy." When women do it, it's sneaky, evil, and compared to a virus, while being dismissed and devalued as mere "flirting."

Things I'm learning from Survivor

2010-02-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

I realized the this season of Survivor gives us the opportunity to really understand what makes a hero and what makes a villain.

Heroes:

Allow men to "run their mouths," but vote out women when they do it.
Allow men to suck at puzzles, with no consequences. (Even though losing the puzzle means voting someone off.)
Are really good at building huts in the tropical forest.
Like to repeatedly shout "ONE VOICE" over the top of other people talking.

Villains:

Have the uncanny ability to predict horrible events. (At least if you are Courtney. She has two fulfilled prophecies so far: "Break her shoulder!" and "I hope he doesn't drop dead.")
Can't build huts or make coconut popcorn.
Allow men to complain loudly, but mock women when they offer suggestions. Or at least when they are waitress offering suggestions.
Make really sad boo-boo faces.
ROCK at puzzles.

The last hour of my life

2010-02-17T21:04:00.000-08:00

I just spent the last hour watching tv, switching back and forth from Millionaire Matchmaker and Cougar Town. I know Millionaire Matchmaker is stupid, but sometimes (ok, lots of times) I really enjoy stupid tv. Watching Cougar Town was totally an accident. I was aiming for the Olympics, but clearly Channel Surfing is not my sport. I only missed by 1 channel, so if I keep practicing, who knows. If I could change the channel using a gun while wearing skis, I might have a chance in Russia in 2014.

7 pm, Thursday... he better be aiming for CBS or NBC

I was pleasantly surprised to find that I actually kinda liked it. It scored overwhelmingly high in the "casting people I like from other shows" category: Monica from Friends, Phoebe from Friends (though only for a guest appearance), Jordan from Scrubs, Shawn from Scrubs (my favorite of Elliot's boyfriends), and most points for BUSY PHILIPPS!!! Kim Kelly from Freaks and Geeks!

For the cast alone, I watched for the entire two episodes, no doubt missing wonderfully trashy shenanigans from Patty's Millionaire's Club. It was actually pretty funny! And occasionally insightful and sweet. Jordan is playing her exact same character, who I love. Monica is a lot like the Monica from the early seasons, when she was actually likable. And Kim Kelly is all grown up, but still the same lovable loud mouth. So maybe this show doesn't score high on the originality, but I'm ok with that. Not every show can be Community. I think the next time I watch this show, it will be on purpose.

A Very Important Rant

2010-02-17T13:59:00.000-08:00

Today's rant is brought to you by: Crazy fans

Some people cannot handle being fans. They cannot handle liking something. Please note the following:

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

DO NOT do these things. It is inappropriate. (One excessively more so than the other, I'll let you decide. Hint: IT'S OPTION A.) If you are a crazy fan, and you insist on doing these things, please continue to do so over the internet. It is hilarious. (Not really a rant, but the exasperation is still there.)

Pandora discoveries

2010-02-17T07:47:00.000-08:00

Contemplative emo edition. This songs may already be popular and overplayed, but they're new to me.

"Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy

"There's No Way" by Sam Bisbee
(no youtube video. D: sorry.)

"Roam" by Lijie
(enabling not allowed... here's the link)

...and this isn't a new discovery, but since the videos for my three new faves are so fail, I'll include it as bonus. This is probably my favorite love song.

"Amie" by Damien Rice

Fire represents life

2010-02-11T14:10:00.000-08:00

I promised a Survivor post, and here it is. Try to contain your excitement.

Survivor is tonight! I'm just so happy. Tears of joy.

I keep trying to write a post about why I like Survivor so much, as a way of introducing the epic upcoming "Heroes vs. Villains" 20th season. (Airing tonight, 7 pm, on CBS!) But I decided to just keep it simple. You are either a Survivor fan or you aren't. I can't make anyone love this show as much as I do, but I can talk about it on my blog with the hopes of discovering some other closet Survivor lovers.

That's right. I've even bought the merchandise. I'm officially a Survivor geek.

So here's my pre-Suvivor post. I am ranking the survivors from season 20. The people at the top are the ones I'd most like to see win. The ones at the bottom are the ones I'd really enjoy seeing lose a fight with a shark. Or maybe just get voted out pre-jury.

Season 20 Survivors: Favorite to least favorite to most loathed:

Boston Rob - Villain: from the Marquesas and All-star seasons
Parvati - Villain: from the Cook Islands and Fans/favorites seasons
Cirie - Hero: from the Panama "Exile Island" and Fans/favorites seasons
Courtney - Villain: from the China season
Colby - Hero: from the Outback and All-star seasons
Amanda - Hero: from the China and Fans/favorites season
Jerri - Villain: from the Outback and All-star seasons
Candice - Hero: from the Cook Islands season
J.T. - Hero: from the Tocantins season
Stephanie - Hero: from the Palau and Guatemala seasons
Tom - Hero: from the Palau season
Sandra - Villain: from the Pearl Islands season
Sugar - Hero: from the Gabon season
James - Hero: from the China and Fans/favorites seasons
Danielle - Villain: from the Panama "Exile Island" season
Rupert - Hero: from the Pearl Islands and All-star seasons
Randy - Villain: from the Gabon season
Coach - Villain: from the Tocantins season
Tyson - Villain: from the Tocantins season
Russell - Villain: from the Samoa season

Yes, this is the THIRD season for some players. Player or fan, survivor is a lifetime commitment. The players in bold are previous winners. The players in italics made it to the final tribal council in at least one of their seasons. This game is going to be good. I can't wait! :D

You make the call

2010-02-10T13:01:00.000-08:00

Introducing a new series: You make the call. I explain an actual awkward situation, and you decide how you would react. (And guess how I reacted, though I can pretty much predict my reaction to most awkward conversations: Hum a song and/or run away.)

Observe the following statements:

(1:53 PM) Bernard: did you eat ice cream or eat something that has concentrated whey protein?
(1:53 PM) Bernard: It is a immune system reaction and depends on how many antigens you consumed.
(1:55 PM) Bernard: The immune system increases mucus to envelope the antigen and remove it from the body. It will use pores to do this and then bacteria loves mucus.......... wala you get an acne spot.
(1:56 PM) Bernard: I try to avoid it as much as I can.
(1:57 PM) Bernard: If you want to test it, you can purchase whey protein powder and drink a glass a day and watch it get worse and worse.
(1:58 PM) Bernard: I did that, and proved it to myself years ago.

First, a survey. In which of these scenes are these statements appropriate?

You are in a doctor's office discussing your acne. Bernard is your doctor providing medical information.
You are in prison, minding your own business. Bernard is your crazy cell mate talking to the stick man he just etched on to the wall.
You are having a seizure. Bernard is the red-headed leprechaun whispering sweet nothings into your ear.
You are at work, talking to your co-worker about zits. Bernard is an eavesdropping co-worker providing unsolicited information over instant message.

Trust me. That last one will make you wish that ANY of the other options were true. Now you make the call. Bernard is on chat, awaiting a response. What is the appropriate message?

"OMG! Does milk also cause butt zits?"
"Please stop eavesdropping, buttmunch. "Zits" is code for something I'd rather not discuss with you."
[insert some other crude dismissive insult involving the word "butt"]
*set status to away* Then copy/paste entire conversation and make fun of it over chat with several other co-workers.

Choose one of the above or create your own. Running away is not an option. (Though feel free to hum a song to yourself.)

Apprehension, wealth, and number two

2010-02-09T06:40:00.000-08:00

I often want to blog about religion, but I'm apprehensive. It feels inappropriate to discuss the scriptures and my testimony on the same site where I talk about poop. (Maybe I should just stop blogging about poop. Yes, these links are all unique posts concerning poop.) I've thought of starting yet another blog devoted solely to religious topics, but religious experiences are meant to be shared. And I'm lucky enough to have people that actually read this blog. I have mentioned church before, but there have been many moments where I've wanted to share an insight or an experience, and have held back. How do all of you other bloggers feel about this? Does any body else share similar reservations about publicly blogging about their testimonies? I think community is a vital element of testimony (I'll expound on that in another post), so I'm going to try and overcome my apprehensions and post more often about religion.

(Even though I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this knows me in real life, here's some brief background. I was born and raised in the LDS church. I went to BYU. Since college, I've been sporadically active and am trying to change that "sporadically" to "regularly." Regardless of my activity level, I've always lived a Mormon lifestyle and have a very strong testimony of the church.)

I'm going to start out slow. I LOVE Mormon blogs. My absolute favorite is Feminist Mormon Housewives (site not working currently, see here for now), though By Common Consent is a close second. Earlier today, I was reading a book review on Times and Seasons. It reminded me of several other excellent posts I have read on various bloggernacle sites about wealth and prosperity. For a couple of highlights, see here, here, and here (especially Amri's comment 17).

Each of those posts resonated strongly with me. Not because I think I'm wealthy (though I know compared to the rest of the world, I really am), but because I see a lot of wealth in my family. My family is very conservatively Mormon. They are very generous with sharing their wealth. But they subscribe to the idea that wealth is a result of righteousness and hard work. I think hard work often (but not always) relates wealth, but I firmly believe that wealth is largely obtained through luck. There are plenty of evil lazy rich people and even more good hard-working poor people. Prosperity (as defined in terms of dollars and assets) comes from being dealt a really good hand and knowing how to play it. I don't like conflating it with religion and righteousness.

I remember a family vacation, at my uncle's lake house. I was sitting with my dad in the upstairs living room, overlooking the lake that was just outside the back door. My dad asked me if I ever look at all this and wonder why I wasn't born into this family. Why I had the bad luck to be sent to my dad instead of his more prosperous younger brother. My dad was acknowledging the luck aspect of wealth, but still assigning it more importance than I think it deserves.

Whether I like it or not, ideas of wealth and prosperity are heavily infused into our religious culture. It's an interesting and often emotionally-charged discussion. Is wealth good or bad, or is it more complicated than that? For those of us lucky enough to be wealthy (and really, all Americans should be considered wealthy), what are righteous uses of that wealth? How much of that wealth should we be sharing? Where do we draw that line between want and need? While I'm not exactly sure how I feel about any of it, but it is definitely a discussion worth having.

I know that's kind of a cop-out ending. But if I felt like I had to have draw persuasive mind-blowing conclusions every post, I'd never talk about anything but poop. And thus ends this installment in Jamie Tries to Talk About More Religion. (This doesn't mean I'm going to stop posting about silly things. In fact, look for another one of those obnoxious Survivor posts coming soon.)

WoW noob

2010-02-08T08:22:00.000-08:00

Seeing as most people I know play and love this game, I thought I'd try out the 10-day free trial. Here are my observations from my first (and probably last) two hours of playing World of Warcraft:

By far, the hardest part of the game is coming up with character names.
All fantasy creatures (wolves, cougars, wild pigs, etc) carry on them a pair of tattered pants.
I was able to trade 50+ items of tattered clothing for 400 bullets and 400 arrows. Score!
Oh wait. I can't just throw arrows and bullets. And the store merchant won't buy them back. So these things are even more worthless than my 25 pairs of tattered pants. Fail.
Playing as an "evil" cow shaman is WAY more fun than playing as a "good" human warrior.
Upon first entering the human world, I see a human male something pounding THE HELL out of a tree with a wooden mallet.
Upon first entering the cow world, I see several large male cows spinning furiously in circles.
I decide to stop laughing at them when I walk into a torch and accidentally catch myself on fire.
My human warrior man was much more patient than me. After being stabbed several times by some troll, he still doesn't have enough rage for a decent hit. When I just step on a belt buckle, I am brimming with rage. I can't imagine how full of rage I'd be if I was attacked by an ugly troll carrying two extra pairs of tattered pants.
Cows and humans can't walk through walls, torches, or rocks. Though not from lack of trying!
Though it is more convenient, walking backwards out of a room instead of turning around is a bit embarrassing.
Though it promises to increase your health, sitting on the ground and eating a piece of bread in the middle of a battle is not a good idea.
Are higher level players able to talk at me, through my speakers? Or was that the drugs kicking in? I passed a player-cow by a bridge (green text and everything), and she asked me, audibly, out loud, to help her find her dog. I stared at her for a while then ran away.
The chat feature is not at all intuitive, and I'm much too impatient to read an instruction manual. So if you approached a shaman cow last night, and she stared at you for several awkward moments, and then ran away, I'M SORRY. I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT THE STUPID CHAT.
So it turns out, when I'm a magic evil cow in a social situation with other magic evil cows, I act the exact same as I do in real life!

Before and after

2010-02-05T17:29:00.000-08:00

Alternate title: Woo! New haircut!

before

AFTER

New haircut, hair color, AND glasses.

One of the most hilarious tv moments ever

2010-02-05T09:53:00.000-08:00

Alternate title: This will probably not be nearly as funny out of context but OH WELL.

The show:
Community. You should really watch that show. I haven't proselyted a show this fervently since Arrested Development, and weren't you all glad when you finally gave in and watched then?

The characters:
Jeff - snarky used-to-be lawyer with a giant ego
Britta - aimless, usually mature, 28-year-old
Annie - high-strung, over-achieving 18-year-old
Troy - 18-year-old used to be high school football star
Abed - somewhat awkward pop-culture junky
Shirley - middle-aged recent divorcee with thinly-veiled rage issues
Pierce - tactless older man who desperately wants peer approval

From left to right: Abed, Senor Chang, Shirley, Troy, Britta, Jeff, Pierce, and Annie

The set-up:
Annie started dating Vaughn, Britta's ex-boyfriend and a "gateway douche bag." In order to save her from him, Jeff and Britta tried to get Troy to start dating Annie. All of these people are in the same study group. All of this scheming has just come to light, during a study group session.

Jeff: Annie. We’re sorry. We were worried about your well being.

Britta: I guess we feel like we’re sort of all a family and Jeff and I are like your Greendale parents.

Annie: You’re not my mom, Britta. She would never wear boots that go up that high. And what about respecting me as an adult and as a friend.

Britta: Oh. You want to be treated as an adult and a friend? Try not dating your friend’s ex-boyfriend, find your own man.

Annie: But you don’t like Vaughn.

Britta: No I don’t. But I also don’t like seeing him with anyone else. Ta da!

Annie: I asked you if you cared and you said no.

Britta: Fine. I cared. I’m a girlie girl. I like boys and I don’t like it when they’re mean to me and I don’t like when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends. I’m not that cool. I’m not Juno, okay homeslice?

Jeff: This is what it was about for you? You were jealous?

Britta: Oh please you can’t tell me that you weren’t jealous that Vaughn had his hippie hands all over your debate slash make-out partner.

Annie: What are you insinuating? I took that kiss for the team.

Jeff: What?! [pause] Yeah, that kiss wasn’t for pleasure. It was strategic and joyless.

Annie: What?! [pause] Yeah.

Troy: You did get weirdly specific when you were describing Annie’s body.

Jeff: More specific than the stuff you told me about Britta?

Annie and Britta: What?!

Shirley: Does anyone get specific about me?

Pierce: Check your e-mail.

Shirley: I mark you as spam.

Pierce: Who the hell is Pam?

Abed: When you guys first came in we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in "The Brady Bunch." And now we’re as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of "The Brady Bunch."

Shirley: I agree with Abed. This is getting creepy.

Annie: No more creepy than when Jeff wears tight jeans and you say "I’d like to slap those buns on the grill."

Jeff and Pierce: What?!

Shirley: First of all I don’t talk like that and second of all where I’m from it’s perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends’ backsides. And you don’t see me saying anything crazy about Abed and Troy’s weird little relationship.

Abed and Troy: They’re just jealous.

Jeff: Alright, alright, maybe we’re not a family. Maybe it’s more complicated. Because, unlike a real family, there’s nothing to stop any one of us from looking at any of the others as a sexual prospect.

One of the best tv moments EVER: At this point all characters look around the table and consider all possible romantic pairings, or "ships" as we tv junkies call them. It is just several moments of silent looking, but it is one of the most hilarious things I have ever seen. I can't wait to buy this show on dvd and start forcing more people to watch it.

Me as a cartoon character

2010-02-03T21:35:00.000-08:00

Alternate title: I miss photoshop. :(

Meet the Cartoon Jamies:

This Jamie can control your thoughts, dreams, and entire perception of reality with her grossly over-sized forehead.

This Jamie is an antler-horned green goddess of nature who shape-shifts at will from human to tree to wapiti.

This Jamie is an ambiguously gendered sociopath who recently escaped from the secret lab of an evil pharmaceutical corporation. S/he suffers from constant, uncontrollable explosions of adverse side effects.

This Jamie is a typical cubicle drone by day, ruthless robot assassin by night. Her super human strength relies on regular inhaled doses of helium. The higher her voice pitch, the deadlier her fists.

This Jamie is the sassy mother figure that keeps the big-headed, deer-horned, drug-addled, and squeaky robot freaks working together on the side of justice. She's in an on-again/off-again relationship with Batman and always looking snazzy in her off-white pullover turtleneck.

Search Overload

2010-01-29T08:44:00.000-08:00

Alternate title: It's time for another very important rant.

Have you ever seen a Bing commercial?

Well now you have. Have you ever seen a website with Bing-powered hot links?

It's kind of hard to see what's going on there, but some websites have hot linked words throughout their text. These display this super obnoxious bing window on roll over. Not after clicking the word, just accidentally rolling over it with your mouse. Now these bing windows are annoying enough, but what puts it into rant territory is their exact similarity to what the commercials are making fun of. You are reading a block of text and suddenly, one word triggers a total freak-out of search results only tangentially related to what you are actually reading. So the bing commercials are inadvertently demonstrating the experience of reading a bing-linked web page. And I agree with them. IT'S OBNOXIOUS.

Fun with metaphors

2010-01-27T07:08:00.000-08:00

Alternate Title: An attempt to complain about something I shouldn't be complaining about on my blog while remaining vague

I feel as though I'm assisting in a surgery. I'm not the surgeon or the nurse. I'm more like the patient's appointed spokesperson. I'm supposed to watch as the doctors and nurses fix what's wrong with the patient. Make sure they don't accidentally cut off a leg or anything. This particular patient has a skeleton that spontaneously bursts into flames, toes for teeth and Santa hats for toes, and multiple fork stabs to the face. The doctors insist that the patient will be completely fine and normal in no time. But the entire surgical process consists of the doctor waiting for me to point out a problem. "See that giant hole in the eyeball? With the toe sticking out of it? And the flames? None of that should be there." Then the doctor puts a band-aid on it. Or argues with me that the toe is more jutting out than sticking out, so could I point out the problem again? Oh but this time, with the toe jutting out, the flame is more of a microburst, so he can't fix the original problem, because now it seems to be a new problem and would I please explain the new problem to him?

Oh and every five seconds or so, the doctor pops up and yells "OK!" and won't continue until I respond "OK." I want to point out, that no, none of this is okay. But that is not an option.

Are you OK?

2010-01-26T12:26:00.001-08:00

I'm ok. My computer isn't sure if it's ok.

Error message I got while testing.

Don't worry, everything turned out ok.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

2010-01-24T22:27:00.000-08:00

Note:
There are spoilers in this post. It is less of a review and more a movie summary with some discussion. But don't worry! You can be told the entire plot of this movie and still not know what on earth is going on when/if you finally watch it for yourself. If you did see the movie (or just read the summary), feel free to comment. This movie was very unusual, and I wouldn't be surprised if I misunderstood the entire thing.

Summary:
The movie starts out 3 days before Dr. Parnassus's daughter, Valentina, turns 16. Dr. Parnassus is hundreds of years old. He "won" immortality from the Devil by promising him any offspring he fathered once they turned 16. Valentina doesn't know this, and Parnassus spends the first part of the movie in a drunken emo stupor over this sad fact. Guyliner and everything. The Devil decides to make another wager with Parnassus, to give him one more chance to keep his daughter. The first person to win five souls by the time Valentina turns 16 (by now it's only two days away), gets to keep Valentina.

My life sucks. :(

To win a soul, a person has to go inside the Imaginarium, and make the right choice. The Imaginarium gets "turned on" when Dr. Parnassus goes into a trance. The person walks through a broken mirror, and they are transported inside their own imagination. Eventually, they will come to a decision. One guy has to chose to either climb a giant mountain, or have drink in a pub. Another woman must chose between spending time in a motel room with Johnny Depp, or floating down a river to be awesome and dead like Princess Di. Four other guys have to chose between joining a violence-loving, cross-dressing police force or running home to mommy. It's weird. I don't quite get what it's supposed to be, but it seems like both decisions are based off of the same desire. One is just the easy way to get it, and the other is the hard way. It doesn't quite make sense, but one choice means Dr. Parnassus has won, and the other means the Devil has won. In the choices above, the "Dr. Parnassus" choice was climb the mountain, float down the river of death, and join the cross-dressing police force. If you choose the Devil's option, you explode inside the Imaginarium, and are presumably dead. If you chose the Dr. Parnassus choice, you get to come out of the Imaginarium on a leafy swing, feeling pure bliss, having been "reborn."

Choose the river of death or get blown up!

So right before the devil makes this new bet, the Dr. Parnassus crew (Valentina, a midget, and some other guy named Anton) "rescues" a guy named Tony - Heath Ledger's character. They find him hanging from a bridge. He claims to not know who he is, but he's lying. He tags along to help them get five more souls, though I'm not sure why. He says it's to repay them for saving his life, but I think he was just using them to hide out. He charms some women into the Imaginarium, and goes in with them to help them make the right "Dr. Parnassus" choice. He eventually gets recognized by the people that tried to kill him in the first place, and runs into the Imaginarium to hide. Inside his own imagination, he's amazed by what seems possible in there. He loses the four guys chasing him (they all run home to mommy and get blown up), but has to leave before he gets to make his choice.

Step inside. I swear I won't kill you.

It's finally Valentina's birthday. The Devil and Parnassus have each won four people when Valentina finally learns what's going on. She runs away in anger. Meanwhile, Tony offers to go into the Imaginarium to be the fifth soul Parnassus needs to win the bet. As he's about to go inside, Valentina returns, very very angry. Tony convinces her to go into his imagination with him, saying they can run away and just live there forever. She agrees, despite Anton's protests that Tony is a liar. (Oh yeah, Anton found a piece of newspaper that explained who Tony really was: the chairman of a charity that was selling orphans or something. I'm not exactly sure, I thought I heard "organs," but Jill insists he said "orphans." Either way, orphans were involved. I'm just not sure if they were being harvested for organs, or sold whole. Either way: Tony = bad guy.) While in the Imaginarium, Valentina finds out the truth about Tony. She runs away, meets the Devil and comes to her choice. Still mad at her dad, she chooses the Devil's choice out of spite.

I'm tricksy and false.

Parnassus is devastated. The Devil offers to make one more bet: if Parnassus can kill Tony, he'll give him his daughter back. Tony is being chased by an angry mob. Parnassus catches up with him, and finds out how he's survived the previous hanging- he put a pipe down his throat to prevent strangling. Tony tries to explain to Parnassus that the Devil was just tricking him, that Valentina couldn't count as the fifth soul since she was the prize, and if he helps him get away, he'll pick the correct "Dr. Parnassus" choice and Valentina will be saved. Dr. Parnassus doesn't listen and helps the mob finally succeed in killing him. The Devil shows up and tells Dr. Parnassus that he doesn't know where his daughter is. He says he never really had her in the first place.

It's many years later. Dr. Parnassus is sad, and still old. He's begging for money and someone that looks like Valentina drops some money in his cup. He follows her and sees she married Anton and has a daughter. He doesn't interfere, and with his midget friend, decides to sell puppet shows on the street. The end.

Not going to lie. This movie was little bit crazy pants.

Questions:
What was the Devil? He was clearly Parnassus's adversary, but he wasn't necessarily "evil." Jill thinks he was just indifference. I think he represented something closer to realism, or cynicism. A world without imagination, or faith, or story. The "Dr. Parnassus" choices (for the most part), seemed to involve a great sacrifice for something greater than yourself. For an ideal that you valued. And the "Devil" choice was the quick easy way to get a cheap imitation of that ideal.

What was Valentina's choice? Valentina chose the Devil in the end. Valentina's choice was between a door that said "his" and a door that said "hers." She clearly went through the Devil's door ("his"). When she went through, the Devil said, "Damn. I've won." But she wasn't blown up, and the Devil told Parnassus he never really had her. Did she not really make her choice? Did it not count? She left the world of Dr. Parnassus for the real world. But then, that real family-life always was her ideal dream, her imagination.

What was Health Ledger's character supposed to be? The movie played up his huge significance -- the cards don't lie, the hanging man, etc. -- but he ended up being largely inconsequential. He did help drive parts of the story, but he didn't mean anything to it. The story had nothing to do with him, he just happened to be there for most of it.

Overall impressions:
I think I liked it. It was beautifully made and well-acted, but I was never sure what was at stake, or why it was so important for Dr. Parnassus to win. It wasn't difficult to be entertained by what was happening, but it was hard to be really invested.

TGIF

2010-01-22T14:47:00.000-08:00

Things overheard from my cubicle, IN THE LAST 15 MINUTES.

"What is 'rick rolled'?"
"I'm a genius in France! I'm a genius in France! I'm a genius in France!"
[demonstration of heavy breathing]
"Cuckoo!" (like from the Sound of Music goodnight-song, said FIVE HUNDRED times)
"It's like you know, like mocking that he could like do something."
"I want to shoot myself."
[singing] "A dream is a wish your heart makes!"

The last 15 minutes, people. And only two people were responsible for ALL of those quotes. That much office-crazy? In the last work hour of a FRIDAY? There are just some things your sanity can't handle.

Yet another useful list

2010-01-21T20:28:00.000-08:00

Currently in my stack of books to read, in no particular order:

The Sparrow, by Mary Doria Russell
The Tombs of Atuan, by Ursula K. Le Guin
Maximum City, by Suketu Mehta
The Last Continent, by Terry Pratchett (I keep wanting to read something of his, but don't know where to start. I pulled this off of the bookstore shelf randomly. Well. The wizard hat wearing kangaroo did influence me a little bit. Any fans of his that could point me to a better starting place?)
The Chosen, Chaim Potok
The Women of Brewster Place, Gloria Naylor
The Ruby in the Smoke, Philip Pullman
Rough Stone Rolling, Richard Bushman (Someday, I will finish this book.)
Relic, Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child

What's in your stack?

The Lovely Bones

2010-01-18T18:01:00.000-08:00

NOTE: As long as you've seen the previews for this movie, this post contains no spoilers.

Movie #2 this year: The Lovely Bones. (Movie #1 was An Education. I'm going to try and write mini-review/reaction posts to the movies I see this year, but I probably won't write one for An Education. I really liked it. If I take too long to get my thoughts down about a movie, that's about all I can articulate.)

Anyway. Just got back from seeing this, and I was really unsure about what I thought about the whole thing. When I'm like that after seeing a movie, I like to go to rottentomatoes.com and read what other people thought about it. I was surprised, this movie has a pretty low overall rating: 37%. There's no doubt this film was beautifully made, and the acting was fantastic. This wasn't like Avatar (grossly overrated at 82%), I wasn't rolling my eyes and compulsively checking the time or anything. I was invested for the entire film. But I can't say I enjoyed it. Never before have I longed so intently to be able to fast forward like I did during this movie. I even turned to my sister during a particularly horrifying sequence and said, "I don't like this. This needs to end faster." One of the reviews I read better explains my reaction:

The same opening that's compelling on the page - "I was fourteen when I was murdered on December 6, 1973" - becomes the focus of dread for a movie audience, because we know, sooner or later, that we're going to be forced to sit through something we don't want to see. Even if director Peter Jackson ultimately chooses not to render the murder in graphic terms, actually seeing a young girl being tricked by a predator and gradually becoming terrified feels more than disturbing. It feels profane.

To be specific, it feels almost as if, by watching, we're violating her, too - not Susie Salmon, the central character, and not Saoirse Ronan, the brilliantly talented young actress who plays her - but all the real-life Susies. Even when presented with sensitivity, respect and taste, there's just something unsettling about public entertainment that's made from this particular variety of private suffering.

What is there to be gained from this, that we should feel worse? Or come to some false sense of understanding that makes us feel better about something we shouldn't feel better about?

For what it puts the audience through -- watching the scene where she is murdered -- I don't think the rest of the movie redeems itself. It isn't graphic in terms of gore and violence, but I felt like I just witnessed real evil. I can handle emotional movies, movies that explore the dark side of the human experience, but that emotional experience must have some element of truth.

I have this personal philosophy which partially involves what I call the stained-glass idea. When I was in England on study abroad, my class went to the Winchester Cathedral. In that cathedral, there is a stained glass window that was once shattered by Cromwell's armies. The parishioners of the cathedral gathered up the broken shards of glass and tried to rebuild the window. There are some parts where you can almost make out what the window might have looked like before, but most of it is a jumbled collage. I think there is an absolute Truth, but that it's like that window. It's shattered, and everyone has a few of the pieces. I don't think we have the ability to really see what pure Truth is, in this life. The best we can do is try to understand the pieces we have and to try and share them with others, to find out how our pieces of "truth" match together. And in the way they come together, try to see more truth. I think we do this best by sharing our stories through literature, music, film, and other forms of art. In order to get a better idea of the full window, I need to try to understand other people's pieces of truth. Other people's stories can be horrifying, but if I feel like I've seen a shred of real truth in them, that they are worth hearing.

I am having a difficult time seeing any truth in this movie, enough to justify the horror. I haven't read the book. I've heard it's really good. Many of the reviews claim that it's overall tone was much better than the movie. I may read it, but I'm going to have to get over the experience of seeing the movie first. If you loved the book and really want to see the movie, I recommend that you wait until you can rent it. Believe me, you'll be very grateful for that fast forward button.

100% Chance

2010-01-15T08:56:00.000-08:00

I am being encouraged by Jill to share my random ranting about meaningless things. Maybe she's sick of being the sole recipient of these rants. Maybe this is the first step in her master evil plan to turn me into that crazy lady on the corner that's angrily yelling at what may or may not be an imaginary leprechaun on her shoulder. (Imaginary or not, being taunted by leprechauns is OBNOXIOUS.)

Whatever her reasons, I think it's a capital idea. Quite quite indeed. Top hat, monocle! Fancy ballgowns. (Crap. Her evil plan is working.) So here is my first in what may be many rants about random meaningless things. (And by "random" I usually mean "prompted by reading internet message boards.")

Very Important Rant #1: 100% Chance

Jamie: does it really make sense to say there's a "100% chance" of something? doesn't the 100% negate the chance?
Jill: valid point
Jamie: wouldn't you just say "this is going to happen"
Jill: yeah
Jamie: what they should say, what they mean, is 99% chance. as in very very likely.
Jill: right
Jamie: and don't even get me STARTED on 110% chance.
Jill: who is "they"?
Jamie: internet peeps mostly
Jill: haha
Jill: that'd be a funny little blog post

My morning so far

2010-01-12T08:02:00.000-08:00

Instant messages I have received at work today, so far. *Names have been (slightly) changed. Except for Jill's. She has no privacy anymore. And hopefully, by the end of the day, she'll no longer have kidney stones.

(7:51 AM) Dan Spacey: hi
(7:51 AM) Dan Spacey: any word on Jill?
(7:51 AM) Jamien Sanderson: i went over to her place for dinner. she's groggy, but not in pain. she has good meds.
(7:51 AM) Dan Spacey: but no real relief yet?
(7:51 AM) Jamien Sanderson: she hasn't passed them yet, to her knowledge
(7:52 AM) Dan Spacey: thanks
(7:52 AM) Jamien Sanderson: i'll let you know any updates.
(7:52 AM) Dan Spacey: thanks

(8:38 AM) Boise Jabuu: Is Jill here today ?
(8:38 AM) Boise Jabuu: how is she doing?
(8:38 AM) James Alexander: she's not here, she's still at home. she's the same as yesterday, i think.
(8:39 AM) Boise Jabuu: uh oh
(8:41 AM) James Alexander: i haven't talked to her today yet, so she might be better.

(8:43 AM) Robert Becky: How's Jill doing?
(8:43 AM) Jimmy Sanders: i haven't talked to her today. she was the same last night: groggy on pain pills.
(8:44 AM) Robert Becky: eek. I feel for her.
(8:44 AM) Robert Becky: let me know if there is anything I can do

Jill, you may be in pain, but at least you are loved by random co-workers. (See if you can figure out who they are!) Now get better. Or I'll start telling people you're dead.

What I'm doing

2010-01-11T09:18:00.000-08:00

Not updating my blog
Trying to finish my first ever contract writing job
Seeing if I like Ursula LeGuin's other novels (I loved Left Hand of Darkness, I'm trying out Wizard of Earthsea)
Enjoying my clean sink, and trying to keep it clean
Dreaming of an end-of-April trip to Disneyland
Unpacking my new kitchen utensils from Christmas, hoping they'll inspire me to cook more (though toasting bread is hardly cooking)
Trying to master the infuriating (in an addictive, entertaining way) "high top juggling" game on Wii Fit Plus
Trying to see better movies than last year (An Education is excellent, by the way)

So. What are you doing?

There's always an emoticon

2009-12-22T09:46:00.000-08:00

The emoticon for PMS:

Comic book store guy was wrong.

Pure wild animal craziness

2009-12-05T06:35:00.000-08:00

I just saw The Fantastic Mr. Fox last night. It looks very much like a Wes Anderson movie with the book cover title cards, the bright colors, and the dollhouse side views of elaborate sets. I couldn't help but compare it to Where the Wild Things Are, another child's book adaptation uniquely rendered and meant just as much for adults as children. Fantastic Mr. Fox was much better. Maybe partially because it didn't have all the hyped-up expectations, but I enjoyed watching it much more. A character will have a mid-life-crisis-like out loud pondering, and then tear into his food like a wild animal. This movie isn't going to make you cry, but it's full of poignant moments of authenticity alongside scenes of hilarious random absurdity. The kids in the audience seemed to like it just as much as the adults. Kids or no, you should check this movie out.

Team Mike

2009-11-30T06:44:00.000-08:00

I saw New Moon on Friday. I've only ever read the first book in the Twilight saga, but I know the basic plot. With that limited background knowledge, I was expecting to come out of New Moon a Team Jacob fan. I know it's never going to happen, but from the first book, I liked Jacob a lot better than Edward. (Probably because he was barely in it.) Still, I thought Jacob was more of a real person; and since he wasn't a 100 year old man who wanted to kill her, that Jacob/Bella would be more of a healthy relationship. WRONG. Jacob is just as creepy and condescending (sorry... protective) as Edward. So I'm starting a new team: Team Mike. The dorky boy from school. The dorky normal boy who gets queasy at the sight of gore. The guy who expresses his interest in Bella by asking her on a date instead of abandoning her with no explanation "for her own good." Sure, he may not have a bazillion ab muscles, but I'm sure his nipples match. And if he wants to come into her room, he waits until he's invited and then USES THE DOOR.

Maybe I'll write that YA series. A young girl who likes reading books and cooking dinner for her dad discovers the existence of several supernatural creatures who all happen to be in love with her for no apparent reason. After much emo window-staring, she eventually falls in love with the nerdy kid from her 3rd period English class. The supernatural creatures all kill each other in an epic battle while she's on a date at Chili's. After much soul searching, she decides to order the steak fajitas.

The undead billionaire's virgin bride

2009-11-24T07:41:00.000-08:00

I can't decide if I should call myself a Twilight fan. I like making fun of it A LOT. Can that be considered a fan? I'm definitely not a fan of the books, I read the first one and that was enough of that forever. But of the pop-culture phenomenon, I think I'd have to consider myself a fan. Like this video...

...how is that not awesome?

Speaking of the Twilight phenomenon, I have a semi-related rant after reading opinions of several Twilight-haters. (Here is one example, but most of the teeth gnashing I come across is done in message boards and blog post comments. Here's a small offensive sampling.) I get a little annoyed at the excessive hand wringing done over the "bad message for teenage girls" thing. It isn't the best message for girls, I agree. But I don't see nearly the same level of pearl-clutching done for the billions of things out there that are a bad message for teenage boys. Rap music, violent video games, unrealistic expectations of female beauty, Megan Fox... there are plenty of negative media influences out there polluting our teenage boys. Sure, there is some hand-wringing and pearl-clutching, but not like there is for Twilight. No one thinks the Transformers movie spells doom for our civilization.

This bothers me because the disproportionate response over Twilight suggests that teenage girls are less able to handle negative influences than boys. That their delicate girly minds aren't strong enough to be exposed to Twilight and reasonably deduce that a book about vampires is different than real life. Maybe the negative reaction to Twilight is the appropriate response and we're selling our teenage boys short, but either way, it annoys me. Let girls have their escapist fantasy. If they can't come out of it unscathed, then they had problems before reading Twilight. Let's not blame the crappy books. Mercilessly mock them instead. It's way more fun.

I'm cooking the turkey

2009-11-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

I've cooked a turkey several times before, but not for The Official Thanksgiving Dinner. With Grandma and everything. I offered to do it this year; I've had good turkey cooking experiences in the past. With the notable exception of Horne Hall in which the turkey spent far too much time sliding all over the kitchen floor. It still tasted good.

The last time I cooked a turkey, I used this method. It was very successful. In fact, it was probably the juiciest turkey I had ever cooked. I would try it this time, but my mom felt strongly that 8 people needed a 22-pound turkey. And the previously linked method is not recommended for mutant-sized turkeys. Any one else have turkey cooking tricks that have proven tasty?

SNL Digital Shorts I Like

2009-11-16T10:20:00.001-08:00

Because I was talking about them at work, and thought it would be nice to have them all in one place.

On the ground! This is endlessly quoted by me and Jill. Because we are adults!

I'm on a boat!

and finally....People Getting Punched Right Before Eating. It's exactly like it sounds, plus zombies.

Talking about Survivor again

2009-11-12T20:47:00.000-08:00

So all you cultured people better look away. It's reality tv. One taste and you're hooked.

To my fellow addicts, how awesome was this episode? It's Tribal Councils like tonight (and last week too, this season ROCKS) that keep me watching the boringly predictable seasons where the dominant tribe isn't STUPID and just pagongs the other tribe like they're supposed to. Of course, those seasons didn't have hidden immunity idols. Or people named "Shambo." While next episode's preview of everyone madly tearing up the camp looks awesome, I hope the rest of this season doesn't become the "crazy treasure hunt" show. So Survivor Producers: HIDE THE IDOL BETTER. Like under Jeff Probst's hat. Russell still might find it, but it'll at least take a couple of episodes.

As long as I'm not Malfoy

2009-11-10T09:14:00.000-08:00

I'm reading a textbook for QA testing ...I know. It's required. Which means I have to read it. According to the book, Quality Assurance is the "dark arts" of software development. We just got a new boss. She is the 13th boss of this department in the last 12 years. I'm trying to figure out if she's more of a Quirrell, Lockhart, Lupin, Crouch (pretending to be Moody), Umbridge, Snape, or Carrow.

I'm so nerdy.

The first two hours

2009-11-04T07:59:00.000-08:00

My supervisor holds up a ceramic candle holder in the shape of a turban-wearing man. "Why is this on my desk?" Answer: Our receptionist asked us to pass it around and write a poem about it. She'd like a large collection of man-wearing-turban-candle-holder poetry.

(It doesn't really look like this.)

After being told that you can't recycle material with food stuck to it (like cheesy greasy pizza boxes), a co-worker proclaims, "If the recycling industry can't keep up with our garbage, why should we keep up with them?" Damn recycling industry. Always trying to... save our planet.

Why you shouldn't think too hard about princess movies

2009-10-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

I'm on a roll with this blogging thing lately. Just trying to keep Jill interested at work. :)

So last night, I re-watched The Swan Princess. Shut up, I was bored, and it was on-demand. Upon re-viewing, I couldn't help but notice just how STUPID Prince Derek is in that movie. He has to be one of, if not THE most stupid cartoon fairy tale princes EVER.

Besides the obvious in-story stupidity (the "what else is there" answer):

He spends what looks like several months "practicing" saving Odette. However long it is, it's enough time for his mother (and the entire kingdom) to think he needs to just move on already.
When not practicing, he is "studying" to better save Odette. His plan is to apparently read every book in the library, hoping to decode the cryptic message Odette's father left before he died.
He interprets the message WAY wrong.
He goes skipping out to the forest, thinking his genius interpretation is going to make him save Odette before the ball THE NEXT DAY. The interpretation? That the "great animal" could be anything. So his uber confidence comes from the fact that he's probably looking for any animal. What was his plan? Kill everything?
The only thing he almost kills is Odette herself, accidentally. Because he is a dumb ass. (And another note: after all that amazing animal shooting practice...he can't hit a swan? Not just a swan, but a human being that only just recently turned into a swan?)
Odette is being held captive in a place that he can WALK to from his house. A castle owned by a reclusive crazy wizard. Yet Derek had to study for months (at least long enough for Odette to become quite adept at the whole flying thing) to figure out where to start.

Blah blah blah, it ends happily ever after. It should have ended that Derek tripped down the stairs and accidentally killed himself with his own arrow. That would have at least been believable. Odette can just learn to live as a swan. She'd still be better off than her dad, who dies and no one seemed to care.

So what are your thoughts? Can you think of a stupider animated fairytale prince? They aren't the smartest lot of fictional characters, but I don't think anyone can be as dumb as Derek.

If you write a story using these plots, I want a copy

2009-10-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

And, you know, royalties probably. At least some kind of mention in the forward.

I started using Melatonin again, which means my dreams go up a notch (or ten) in vividness and craziness. And bonus! I actually remember them when I wake up! Feel free to ignore this post since dream retellings are usually annoying. But if you do care, here are my dreams from the last two nights.

Saturday night:
I live with my family in some crazy post-apocalyptic future where men terrorize people with streamer guns--they're like t-shirt guns, but shoot out enough party streamers to bury you in a pile. They are operated by dollar bills, which are rare in this world. I steal 22 dollar bills from various men. It's considered a huge crime, publicized all over the news. Because I have ties to a female anti-streamer gun resistance group, the government assumes I stole the money and choses to punish me by forcing my sister to get breast implants. The implants are very uneven, and her nipples won't stop bleeding. My dad is very upset with me. I contemplate running away from home.

Last night:
Three low-life men sit at a long table in a tent. You can line up to see if one of them is your father. I hijack the event with some hired goons and force feed these men five spoonfuls of something that looks and smells like liquid raw chicken. [Still trying not to gag over that.] I offer them the option to salt and pepper the goop. Only one man opts to salt the fifth spoonful. With great difficulty, the men swallow all five doses. I'm working for some sort of pharmaceutical company, and take notes on a clip board. I plan to return several hours later to see if the men are dead.

So... what do those dreams mean? Other than the obvious fact that Melatonin is awesome.

Lard, mustache, huge, little, head is ice cream

2009-10-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

I just caught up on Community this weekend. It is so hilarious. I keep forgetting how hilarious it really is. Why must all good shows be on at 7 pm on Thursdays?! At least there's Hulu.com. I missed episode 3 because I'm too slow. I guess now I'll have to buy it on dvd.

Here is a remix of a couple of this show's most hilarious clips. It's hilariousness will bite your face off.

(Hilarious count: 4. It really is that funny.)

Random thoughts that only make sense if you watched Survivor last night

2009-10-23T07:22:00.001-07:00

I kept thinking... if a contestant died on Survivor, we'd have heard about it in the news... right? No one died on last night's episode, but Russell (also known as OtherRussell and LeaderRussell) got pretty close. Jeff Probst was pretty adorable with his nurturing bedside manner and fatherly pep-talk.

A lot of people (on the internet, in forums) have said that Russell was really stupid to not sit out for the challenge, but I disagree. On Survivor, I don't think a tribe ever really votes someone out for being weak, losing food, or losing the team challenge. Those are just convenient excuses for voting out a person they were planning on voting out anyway. Russell really should have sat the challenge out, but I think he correctly ascertained that he was on the outs with his tribe. They were already murmuring about Russell not choosing the tarp, and about him working a little too hard. The team was looking for a reason to vote him out. I think, had he sat out of the challenge, the team would have pounced. They had been told that they had to vote someone out that night no matter who won the challenge; so sitting out, playing the strong people and winning the challenge would not have saved Russell. (The winning team would just get to eat pizza while they voted someone out.) In the end, Russell had to leave the game anyway and no one was voted out. Jeff obviously thought that Russell really had a good shot at winning the game, but I disagree. He might not have been voted out this time, but I think he'd have gone before the merge.

If you read the fan reaction online, it's kind of funny that most people are outraged over the fact that Jeff Probst didn't just let everyone have pizza. I thought the exact same thing. The editing was great this episode. At the end, both teams were at tribal council, and you could hear the rain start to pour. Again. After several straight days of it. They kept cutting to individual reactions of people looking up at the sky in hopeless sadness. These people not only willingly signed up for this, but they consider it an honor. A great life achievement. But you couldn't help feel so bad for them! Please Jeff! Let them just have some pizza!

Some of the music I like

2009-10-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

Here are some videos of music I like that I found through Pandora or emo tv shows.

"Closer" by Kings of Leon

"Fidelity" by Regina Spektor

"My Skin" by Natalie Merchant

"Buttons" by The Weeks

"Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups

All that Bet Red / Tomato Nation / Donors Choose stuff I've been tweeting about

2009-10-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

So I've been spamming all my social networking outlets with links to the Donor's Choose: Bet Red (Tomato Nation) contest. The couple of people who have responded to my links seemed confused as to what I was talking about, so here's some further explanation. And another shameless plug.

First of all: Donors Choose. It's one of my favorite charities, along with Kiva. With Donors Choose, teachers post funding requests for a specific need their school or classroom has. They outline all of the costs, explain why they need what they are asking for, and submit it to the website. Donors can browse all of these projects and chose to donate to whatever project they want. Like Kiva, it puts the donor in (almost) direct contact with the recipient. It's all fairly anonymous, for safety reasons, but you - the donor - have complete control over where your money goes. It's a lot of fun. You get to help buy band instruments, or help beef up the sci-fi section of a library, or buy math games, or even an air conditioner for a classroom in Texas. (Could you imagine going to school in Texas without an air conditioner?) There's a lot of variety. Browse through the projects, I'm sure you'll easily find something that resonates with you.

So what is Tomato Nation? Tomato Nation is a blog I like to read that encourages its readers to donate to Donors Choose during the month of October. You can read more about it here. "Bet Red" is their slogan for 2009. It's great if you donate at all, but donating through Tomato Nation's contest page has definite advantages. For example, earlier today, Sars (the tomatonation blogger), informed her readers that a particular donor was willing to offer a matching donation once our total donations reached $90K. At the time, we were at $83,106. If we met the goal by Friday, the match would be $4K. By Thursday, $6K. If we got to $90K by Wednesday at midnight, they'd donate $8K. At that point, I posted links on facebook and twitter, hoping some people might chip in a few dollars, if they could. (Jill did! Thanks Jill!) Turns out, we got to $90K before midnight TODAY. With 25 hours to spare! I think that's pretty awesome. Besides matching donations, Sars offers lots of fun mini-prizes along the way. Check her site regularly for more details on those.

So while the urgency for this particular deadline is gone, I still think it's a great charity and a great contest. You can search by state and donate locally, or search by subject matter and donate according to your passion. Excited About Encyclopedias! was the project where I chose to contribute. It's in Utah, and it's in the language/literacy category... both of which are important to me. Their goal is not yet met, so if you want to donate, this would be a great place to do so. I'd really love to see them get what they need, and the finish line for that particular project is within reach. And if you can donate through the Tomato Nation "Bet Red" link, that would be even better! (If you want to pick another project, through Tomato Nation, you can use this spreadsheet to sort by state and subject. And if you want nothing to do with Tomato Nation at all, but still want to donate, that's fine too... use this link.)

If you have questions about any of this, check out one of the billion links I put in the post, or just ask me in the comments. :)

The beginnings of a feud

2009-10-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

My sister and I get along really well, but on those rare occasions when we fight, it can get ugly. Like today. We were having a nice pleasant chat conversation, when she INSISTED that this emoticon:
...looked like a dying a person. Which it clearly DOES NOT. It is, quite obviously, a crying person. Quite obvious to everyone but Jill, that is. (Sorry for the crappy resolution. It's meant to be about the size of a benedryl.) You can see our actual chat transcript, with emoticons intact, below.

Here are all of the available emoticons. "Crying" is top row, middle. What I consider "dying" is bottom row, second column, next to the Fonzie smiley.

Am I crazy? (See emoticon box, third row, middle.) Or is Jill, once again, wrong? (See third row, fourth emoticon.) These questions MUST be answered! We can't have this feud hanging over the heads of our children's children. So what do you think? Crying or dying?

Oh no! Don't eat me!

2009-10-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

The best Halloween candy ever? Boo Peeps! They just might be the best candy ever, regardless of holiday. Not just for taste (though sugar coated marshmallows are quite delicious), but for cuteness and overall eating entertainment.

Oooh noooo! Don't eat me! Noooo!

The worst candy ever? The life-sized gummy severed foot I saw at wal-mart. I can't find it anywhere on the internet, or I'd post a picture. Maybe that's for the best. It was quite disgusting.