March 26, 2013

Who the hell is Pam?

My spam email is being MEAN to me. First, it calls me a weirdo. It tries to spin it as a compliment--"you're better than those lame normals"--but come on. Of all the words to use? Weirdo?! You could have said "sparkling jewels," "reclusive geniuses," or maybe "diamonds in the rough." (But not anything involving "special." Everyone knows "special" is code for stupid, just like "sweet spirit" is code for butt-ass ugly.)

I'd normally have been ok, who doesn't get called a weirdo a few times a day? (Right?!?) But the next spam email cruelly teases me by advertising a "Magicstick" for "power on the go." Now, I know I've been a muggle my whole life, but I'm fairly certain that's the result of some kind of curse placed on my at birth due to the awesome potential of my magic ability. (Don't you dare call me special.) I'm sure if I could just GET a wand, the curse would be broken and I'd be the highest sorcerer in the land. Or something. Don't worry, I'll give you all cushy jobs on my council as I rule the world.

I open the email, even though I'm a little wary that "Magicstick" is referring to something probably not suitable for children. If you are reading this out loud to your children (which I'm sure at least some of you are), you may now have to explain to them what it means. Or else they might just go look it up in the dictionary.

Behold the totally G-rated Magicstick:

Ok, so that does look kind of cool. But there is NO WAY I'm defeating any dark wizards with a portable charger, no matter how cute the colors. Unless maybe, the dark wizard can't exercise his power without listening to the pulsing beats of Ace of Base, and happen to catch him at the moment where his battery dies, and in exchange for my Magicstick, he agrees to surrender and turn himself into Azkaban. But let's get real. That's extremely unlikely.

Speaking of real, here is my real wand. I so far only have a picture of it, but if any of you find it, let me know. You can try and use it if you want, but it chose me. So don't be surprised if the spell backfires, turns you inside out, and then explodes you.

1 comment:

Jilly said...

It turned inside out and IT EXPLODED?!