March 26, 2013

How to sound smart in an online comment

Consider this a crash corse on how to be right on the Internet. These examples all came from an article on, posted today.

When you want to pluralize a word, use those fancy floating commas. Then you don't have to worry about all those "change y to i" rules. There are literally tons of them.


Avoid periods. Even in writing, a pause is just an invitation for someone else to butt-in with their wrong opinion. (Bonus points for adding awkward and irrelevant personal information about yourself to the run-on sentence plus if the person reading it is reading it out loud they'll probably eventually pass out from lack of breath even though there's no knowing if they agree with you or not there's at least a slightly better chance that they can disagree with you if they are passed on the floor next to the corpse of that guy I murdered the other day which reminds me I need to buy bleach.)

Another example I really hope you like it if you don't I'll probably eat my weight in cheese or something man I feel like pizza.

Use a lot of letters. Not letters like "parts of a word," just letters. Try to make them seem Latin, if possible, or imply that they are some kind of acronym. Drop a period in here and there. And don't be afraid to use the same random group of letters twice!


Don't be afraid of air quotes. You don't even have to use them correctly. Just using them proves you "know" what you're talking about and the other guy doesn't.


No punctuation makes you look smarter than a semi-colon. This guy knows what I'm talking about. I'd ask him more about it, but he's at work, digging up jewels.


Don't bother with the shift key unless you REALLY mean it.


When you are wrong, make stuff up. (Also, be sure to the other guy that HE is wrong.) Once you post it on the Internet, it's basically true anyway.

I'm allergic to umbrellas.


Jilly said...

your captions were the best because they were funny; et. x y UR WRONG I really do "want" donuts.

Elise said...

OK. That was a totally inappropriate use of a semicolon. Shoulda been a colon.

Elise said...

And also. You are hilarious.

tata sifra said...
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